All Wednesday One-Liners

Bus driver: Next stop, McDonald’s! You know the song! Old MacDonald had a farm, and on the farm he had a metro card…

–B61 bus, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint

Overheard by: miss mess

Bus driver: This bus will be making stops in Carlstadt, Moonachie, Little Ferry, Teterboro, Lodi, Garfield, Elmwood Park, and finally, thank God, in Paterson. Take all your belongings with you when you get off the bus, and remember, it is only a bus ride. You can do it.

–42nd & 8th

Bus driver: Okay, people, there are a few foreign words to make people move. They are ‘Excuse me, please’ — let’s all try saying that. Then, when they do move, say, ‘Thank you.’ Give it a try today… Welcome aboard the Q88 bus on this lovely Wednesday morning. I hope all the kids on this bus did their homework, or made up homework this weekend. Remember, get good grades — A’s on your report cards — and pass the Regents and you will have a very good life. If you don’t want to hear this conversation again tomorrow, catch a different bus on your way to school or work.

–Q88 bus

Overheard by: Jenn

Bus driver: Tired of the same old bus stop? Try Madison Avenue — it’s up next!

–M79 bus

Overheard by: Yorkie

Puerto Rican mom to son eating sour candies: You best not be gettin’ that sugar all over my titties, nigga!

–4 train to Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Carly

Hipster girl: So, he asked if he could touch my boob, but I told him I already had someone.

–Studio B

Overheard by: Trosster

Man: You fucking impostor! Impostor! Men have chests, not titties, bitch!

–Lincoln Place, Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Audrey

Woman: Okay, should we start a Facebook group for people with great cleavage? Or is that déclassé?

–Bedford & 7th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ladle

French woman to friend: You can’t have breasts in New York.

–Elevator, Magazine publishing company

Middle-aged man: If I wanted to gouge his eyes out, I’d have his eyes in my pocket right now.

–11th & 5th

Overheard by: Max

Fat teen: I don’t know about you, but my clit is real low… Like, down near my ass.

–110th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Kong

Guy on cell: What fell out yo’ foot? What do you mean, the bone fell out yo’ foot! Put it back in!

–Penn Station

Woman preaching to two friends: I can’t believe he couldn’t find the ovary. I mean, if you’ve seen an ovary once, you know how to find it again. It’s not hard.

–F train

Overheard by: commuter

Woman on cell: I’m sorry, baby, what part of your body are you talking about? … Oh, God.

–A train

Suit on cell: I don’t understand — you’re a grown woman. Why did you start kicking him, and why are you still kicking him if he didn’t kick back?

–City Hall

Overheard by: Jenny

Ghetto girl on cell: … And I still have to punch her in the face for telling him I have TB.

–Bryant Park

Drunk mailman on cell: Oh, yeah, you really should come and hang out! I’m gonna kick someone’s ass tonight!

–13th & 3rd

Overheard by: rachel

Chick: Yeah, well, at least I don’t have to go to anger management classes, Mom!

–Central Park

Ghetto chick: Okay, I’ll see you later. Be safe, get home safe, and if you see Simone, smack her in the mouth for me.

–LIRR

Ghetto girl to white friend: You better not say, ‘Two paths diverged in a wood,’ or I’m gonna beat yo’ ass.

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Girl to friends: Yeah, I heard she had a threesome and then kicked him in the face.

–Taste of China

Hot blonde: We’ve shared way too much of too many men.

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Italian guy on cell: Okay, if twins have a threesome, is it incest or masturbation? Well, I think they should cancel each other out, so that makes it okay, right? So should I ask her, then?

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Haggs

20-ish guy: Just think of that: two niggas and three bitches. That’s a ménage and a half, son.

–A train

Chick on cell: Awww, we missed the gang bang! … I had a bagel for dinner.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McNasty

Biotech, indignantly: I didn’t have sex when I was 13! I waited ’til I was 14.

–Doma Cafe & Gallery, Perry St

Overheard by: Kate

Hairstylist, joking with customer in chair: Yeah, I mean, prepubescent and androgynous was so last season. [Thinks for a moment, then] Actually, it really was.

–Soho

Overheard by: Sooo not last year

Hot chick shouting across intersection to friend: … And stop sleeping with underage boys!

–55th & Madison

Young father to twin toddler sons: That pigeon might be a pedophile.

–Outside Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: kritta

Guy to friend: Nah, man, I can’t tomorrow — I gotta go to Victoria’s Secret with my niece.

–1 train

Overheard by: Your Mom

Man: … And so I says, ‘I don’t care if you’re my sister, you’re having the baby.’

–54 W 21st St

Overheard by: NickI

Chick: I think if you’re considering dating your cousin, which one you pick is the least of your problems.

–8th & Broadway

Girl on cell: It kinda sucks that you have a crush on your brother.

–Fordham University plaza

Overheard by: It’s not incest if he wants it… oh wait…

Chick to friend: I don’t care how horny you are, you never fuck your brother!

–56th St

Overheard by: Kerri Anne

Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.

–Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country… He went to Florida.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Effy

Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!

–Union Square

Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?

–West Broadway & Canal St

Overheard by: Confused

Woman: Yeah, it’s the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Amused

Crazy guy to squirrel: Hey, Lamar! Get back here! You can’t stay out here, you gonna get hurt!

–Union Square

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Woman to barking dog: Shhh, this is a library!

–Outside Seward Park Library, Chinatown

Horse-drawn carriage-driving hobo, to horse: You faggot child of the Kennedys!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Cracker Chick

Guy to dog: No boyfriends today! You can have boyfriends tomorrow.

–Steinway St, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Teen girl to young boy: You can’t sell Fruit Roll-Ups and wear a Raiders hat at the same time.

–Taco Bell, W14th St

Overheard by: Heather Baharestani

Woman on cell: Just sell it for drug money!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Corner boy: From now on I’m only gonna sell weed in the mornings. In the afternoons I’m gonna buy it for myself.

–142nd & Amsterdam

Dad orbited by three energetic young boys, to nobody in particular: Kids for sale… Kids for sale…

–53rd & 2nd

Guy to girl waiting in car: … And don’t talk to any strange men selling jeans!

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rosangela