All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct

Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…

–LIRR train leaving Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Reese

Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.

–Metro-North

Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.

–D train

Overheard by: i don’t like that dude

Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.

–F train

Overheard by: Eileen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: mark

Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Care

Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can’t decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I’ll come over, we’ll brew some tea, and then we’ll get hammered.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy’s guy: My 19th birthday is Monday… Yeah, I think I’m gonna cry… I don’t know, I’ve been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying… I know! I think it’s all the soy milk I’ve been drinking.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it’s kosher.

–Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

–Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

–Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They’re economic… They’re sociable… And yeah, yeah that’s it.

–Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman

Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it’s my job to bury it. ‘Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let’s hope for global warming, because then we’ll all have beach-front property.

–6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January…

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing… Save the world from global warming… I definitely prefer the former.

–Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

–79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I’m no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

–58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we’ve just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

–JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it…

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Salesperson to customer: C’mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.

–Radio Shack, 225th St

Overheard by: charles elliot

Black lady: So here I go doin’ my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin’ a pickle… A pickle!

–NJ Transit into Penn Station

Overheard by: dirtyjersey

Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin’ nigga!

–Grand St

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Old woman: Nigga’s tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.

–35th & 8th

14-year-old girl to friend:… And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!

–Spofford Ave, Hunts Point

Overheard by: number seven

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean… Hurry up… son.

–50th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have Suspicious Packages

Conductor: If you see something, say something. If you see any unattended or suspicious packages, don’t hesitate to tell someone. Just don’t tell me, though.

–A train

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Barista: And on the counter we have… A brown paper bag with something in it! Someone ordered it. Or left it here. Possibly bin Laden.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that any packages or large bags are subject to search. This is the happy state of the world in which we live. And on that note, the time is 8:15 a.m.

–Uptown A train

Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one — when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn’t, so don’t say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as ‘Avenue of the Americas’ unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Zoe

Conductor: This is the last stop, Newark Penn Station. No passengers. Please take all your suspicious packages.

–WTC-Newark PATH Train

Some Shitty Wednesday One-Liners

Loudspeaker: Sir, do not take a dump on the platform, sir. Sir, do not take a dump on the platform!

–Times Square 42nd St. station

Overheard by: JohnnyD

Teen to friends: Man, for about two weeks this girl had me convinced that girls don’t poop. Somehow it came up in conversation and she was just like, ‘What are you talking about? Girls don’t poop.’ Idiot. I was like, ‘Ohhh my god.’

–A train

Overheard by: Moheed

Crazy man to old lady: You down with OPP? You down with OPP? You down with OPP? Because I just pooped.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Guy in stall, on cell: What am I doing? I’m dropping the kids off at the pool… What do you mean, what do I mean?… I’m taking a shit!… Hold on, I’ll hold the phone by my ass so you can hear the turd splash.

–Men’s room, Ruby Tuesday

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: Why does he always do that? He just stopped in the middle of the street, looked me straight in the eyes, and took a giant, steamy dump.

–5th St & Ave A

Lady on cell: Well, it’s not like you can catch anything from yourself. It’s other people’s feces you have to worry about.

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Murph

Wednesday One-Liners: Picky, Bruised, but Hopeful

Charmer on cell: Yeah, man. I mean, I kind of like her. I’m not that crazy about her kids, but I think I’m going to keep seeing her. Her apartment’s in a really great location.

–Outside Central Bar, 9th & 3rd

Hipster chick: Sometimes I think finding a boy to be bitchy to is just as good as finding a boyfriend.

–F train

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Tough girl to friend: I’ve decided you need to be with a hard guy.

–M16 bus, near Waterside

Overheard by: inothernews

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Me Too

JAP: I would never date anyone who lives in a borough.

–122nd & Broadway

Overheard by: guarquez sanchez

Dad to depressed 13-year-old girl: Remember — friends are forever, boys are whatever.

–106th & Madison

Overheard by: Laura

Chick on cell: Yeah, so everything’s good, but I don’t think I’d go out with him again.

–Outside Church of the Incarnation, 35th & Madison

Wednesday One-Liners! Take a Flyer!

Comedy club guy: Yay, comedy! Yay, booze! Girl, don’t you walk away from me. I will follow you all over New York if I have to. Now take a flyer.

–Times Square

Overheard by: GregumsdaGreggy

Hawker: Yes, I am an angel of the Lord… AM New York! AM New York, here!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Fourth Axiom

Flyer guy: Free Mets schedules! Get your free Mets schedule! Spring is here! Mets are here! Wish I wasn’t.

–Union Square

Overheard by: you and me both, buddy

Street hawker: Take it — slit your wrists with it, roll your drugs in it — I don’t care. Just take it.

–43rd & 7th

Comedy promoter: Colorful paper! Free colorful paper! Use it to wipe your ass!

–Times Square

Vendor: Daily News! One for 25 cents, three for a dollar!

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: Sara Gabriela

Metro paper guy: Ladies and gentlemen, if you miss this bus it will be a seven to ten-minute wait… Get your free Metro paper here! Awww, no one even gives a shit about what I’m sayin’.

–23rd & Park

Overheard by: much-too-much

Wednesday One-Liners, Dearest

Lady to girlfriend: Your mother is gross. Two hundred dollars for one concert, four hundred dollars for another… This is why your family don’t have Christmas!

–Marshall’s, 125th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman leading little girl off subway: Don’t worry, Mommy’s pushing all these people out of our way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: sgeness

Father to son: You need to go away from home. When you go to college, or if you choose to go to boarding school, you need to go away — minimum of four hundred miles. And you should go away not just for the sake of going away — you need to get away from your mother.

–Central Park

Tween girl: My mama tried to kill me once, too, but I hit her in the head with a spoon.

–Donnell Public Library

Professor: The set design in Mary Poppins — since it is for children, nothing can be construed as sexual. It is for children before they start thinking of their mothers as sexual creatures… Boy, I’m not sending my mother this week’s lecture podcast.

–Columbia University

Big sis: Don’t be a failure and disappoint Mom!

–Line for American Girl movie auditions, 50th & 5th

Overheard by: slohmie

Ghetto chick on cell: So, yeah, yo — my mother got married this weekend. I don’t know who she married, but she got married this weekend, yo.

–Macy’s

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