Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it’s my job to bury it. ‘Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let’s hope for global warming, because then we’ll all have beach-front property.

–6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January…

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing… Save the world from global warming… I definitely prefer the former.

–Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

–79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I’m no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

–58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we’ve just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

–JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

Posted on June 20, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, One-liners, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it…

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Salesperson to customer: C’mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.

–Radio Shack, 225th St

Overheard by: charles elliot

Black lady: So here I go doin’ my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin’ a pickle… A pickle!

–NJ Transit into Penn Station

Overheard by: dirtyjersey

Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin’ nigga!

–Grand St

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Old woman: Nigga’s tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.

–35th & 8th

14-year-old girl to friend:… And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!

–Spofford Ave, Hunts Point

Overheard by: number seven

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean… Hurry up… son.

–50th & Broadway

Posted on June 20, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Race, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Have Suspicious Packages

Conductor: If you see something, say something. If you see any unattended or suspicious packages, don’t hesitate to tell someone. Just don’t tell me, though.

–A train

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Barista: And on the counter we have… A brown paper bag with something in it! Someone ordered it. Or left it here. Possibly bin Laden.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that any packages or large bags are subject to search. This is the happy state of the world in which we live. And on that note, the time is 8:15 a.m.

–Uptown A train

Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one — when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn’t, so don’t say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as ‘Avenue of the Americas’ unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Zoe

Conductor: This is the last stop, Newark Penn Station. No passengers. Please take all your suspicious packages.

–WTC-Newark PATH Train

Posted on June 20, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, One-liners, Terrorism, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Some Shitty Wednesday One-Liners

Loudspeaker: Sir, do not take a dump on the platform, sir. Sir, do not take a dump on the platform!

–Times Square 42nd St. station

Overheard by: JohnnyD

Teen to friends: Man, for about two weeks this girl had me convinced that girls don’t poop. Somehow it came up in conversation and she was just like, ‘What are you talking about? Girls don’t poop.’ Idiot. I was like, ‘Ohhh my god.’

–A train

Overheard by: Moheed

Crazy man to old lady: You down with OPP? You down with OPP? You down with OPP? Because I just pooped.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Guy in stall, on cell: What am I doing? I’m dropping the kids off at the pool… What do you mean, what do I mean?… I’m taking a shit!… Hold on, I’ll hold the phone by my ass so you can hear the turd splash.

–Men’s room, Ruby Tuesday

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: Why does he always do that? He just stopped in the middle of the street, looked me straight in the eyes, and took a giant, steamy dump.

–5th St & Ave A

Lady on cell: Well, it’s not like you can catch anything from yourself. It’s other people’s feces you have to worry about.

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Murph

Posted on June 20, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Poop, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners: Picky, Bruised, but Hopeful

Charmer on cell: Yeah, man. I mean, I kind of like her. I’m not that crazy about her kids, but I think I’m going to keep seeing her. Her apartment’s in a really great location.

–Outside Central Bar, 9th & 3rd

Hipster chick: Sometimes I think finding a boy to be bitchy to is just as good as finding a boyfriend.

–F train

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Tough girl to friend: I’ve decided you need to be with a hard guy.

–M16 bus, near Waterside

Overheard by: inothernews

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Me Too

JAP: I would never date anyone who lives in a borough.

–122nd & Broadway

Overheard by: guarquez sanchez

Dad to depressed 13-year-old girl: Remember — friends are forever, boys are whatever.

–106th & Madison

Overheard by: Laura

Chick on cell: Yeah, so everything’s good, but I don’t think I’d go out with him again.

–Outside Church of the Incarnation, 35th & Madison

Posted on June 13, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Dating, Philosophy, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners! Take a Flyer!

Comedy club guy: Yay, comedy! Yay, booze! Girl, don’t you walk away from me. I will follow you all over New York if I have to. Now take a flyer.

–Times Square

Overheard by: GregumsdaGreggy

Hawker: Yes, I am an angel of the Lord… AM New York! AM New York, here!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Fourth Axiom

Flyer guy: Free Mets schedules! Get your free Mets schedule! Spring is here! Mets are here! Wish I wasn’t.

–Union Square

Overheard by: you and me both, buddy

Street hawker: Take it — slit your wrists with it, roll your drugs in it — I don’t care. Just take it.

–43rd & 7th

Comedy promoter: Colorful paper! Free colorful paper! Use it to wipe your ass!

–Times Square

Vendor: Daily News! One for 25 cents, three for a dollar!

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: Sara Gabriela

Metro paper guy: Ladies and gentlemen, if you miss this bus it will be a seven to ten-minute wait… Get your free Metro paper here! Awww, no one even gives a shit about what I’m sayin’.

–23rd & Park

Overheard by: much-too-much

Posted on June 13, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Flyer people, Jobs & Careers, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners, Dearest

Lady to girlfriend: Your mother is gross. Two hundred dollars for one concert, four hundred dollars for another… This is why your family don’t have Christmas!

–Marshall’s, 125th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman leading little girl off subway: Don’t worry, Mommy’s pushing all these people out of our way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: sgeness

Father to son: You need to go away from home. When you go to college, or if you choose to go to boarding school, you need to go away — minimum of four hundred miles. And you should go away not just for the sake of going away — you need to get away from your mother.

–Central Park

Tween girl: My mama tried to kill me once, too, but I hit her in the head with a spoon.

–Donnell Public Library

Professor: The set design in Mary Poppins — since it is for children, nothing can be construed as sexual. It is for children before they start thinking of their mothers as sexual creatures… Boy, I’m not sending my mother this week’s lecture podcast.

–Columbia University

Big sis: Don’t be a failure and disappoint Mom!

–Line for American Girl movie auditions, 50th & 5th

Overheard by: slohmie

Ghetto chick on cell: So, yeah, yo — my mother got married this weekend. I don’t know who she married, but she got married this weekend, yo.

–Macy’s

Posted on June 13, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Parents, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Smarter Than Paris Hilton

Yuppie chick on cell: Yeah, she’s going to Paris. Did you also know that she’s retarded?

–Park Row Building

Overheard by: City Hall

Male actor: Personally, I don’t care much for movies about retarded people.

–Broadway & Spring

Fiancé mashing up dog food: There are certain jobs I think retarded people would love to do…

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Baffled fiancée

Sweet chick: If you want to see me cry, show me retarded kids playing sports — that gets me every time.

–Restaurant

Biotech on cell: I mean, he just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re going to be retarded, at least be consistently retarded.

–115th & Broadway

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Watch Too Much E!

Dad: Son, I gotta ask — do you think George Lucas has your best interests at heart?

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Shona Riddell

Fat eight-year-old boy with lisp: … And that’s why I’m starting a petition to get Don Imus back on the air.

–Times Square

30-something jumping up and down: Oh my god! Leonardo DiCaprio totally just made eye contact with me!

—The Gardener of Eden premier, Tribeca Film Festival

Overheard by: And omigod, I totally just saw his hair!

Hipster: So, this girl came up to us and asked us if we were art fags. Anyway, long story short, I had sex with her in Richard Gere’s rooftop Zen garden.

–Union Square

Pooper on cell: You like Rosie O’Donnell and listen to Madonna — I know what you are… I really do love my wife, and I love your dick, too, but I hate it when it squirts at me.

–Restroom, Radisson Hotel, 32nd St

Overheard by: j