Conductor: Due to a stalled train at Lorimer Street, there is no L service to Manhattan.
Hispanic lady: Why would someone stole a train? Where they gonna put it?
–M train
Conductor: Due to a stalled train at Lorimer Street, there is no L service to Manhattan.
Hispanic lady: Why would someone stole a train? Where they gonna put it?
–M train
Conductor: Due to an incident, the L train is now running at a slower speed.
Chick, to friend: You see?! You see?! It’s always a body with the L train. With the L train it’s always a body.
–L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Conductor: Please sit up.
Bag lady lying across several seats, staring at lights: Why won’t everyone leave me alone? [Begins loud, incoherent screaming.]Conductor, backing away slowly: Okay, never mind.
Bag lady, to passenger: So, I tied him up. I gave him a Viagra, and I rode him for seven hours. And that’s why I look like this.
–A train
Overheard by: Urban Cowboy
Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…
–LIRR train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Reese
Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.
–Metro-North
Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.
–D train
Overheard by: i don’t like that dude
Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.
–F train
Overheard by: Eileen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: mark
Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Care
Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here — he doesn’t get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope — I won’t save you!
–LIRR
Intercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard…
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine…
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz…
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y’all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y’all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y’all can die… on a dick.
–6 train
Overheard by: pberg
Man: Well, at least if you get deported you’d get to go somewhere exotic. If I get deported I go back to the Bronx…
–Barnard College
Conductor, as rap music blares through speakers: Yo, this is a shout-out to all my niggas keepin’ it real on the 1 train. Takin’ the 1 to the Bronx at four a.m. — that’s gangsta, son!
–Bronx -bound 1 train
Female employee: I’m so annoyed… so annoyed. This morning there was a dead body near the Bronx train station. It made me late for work. The train was sooo crowded. I hate that! I hate when we are all packed in the train like sardines!
–Fox News Channel newsroom
Chick: He’s either retarded… or from the Bronx.
–Hell’s Kitchen
Overheard by: mokee
Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? ‘Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom’s attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?
–34th & 2nd
Dude: You know what? I’m just going to drop out of college and play baseball, ’cause I’ve always wanted to play for the NBA!
–SJU baseball field
Overheard by: rach boogie
Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.
–L train
Overheard by: Aidan
Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.
–55th & 7th
Overheard by: Caroline
Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium… Home of, y’know, that other team.
–Flushing-bound 7 train
Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?
–Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: amused tourist
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
–1 train, 14th St station
Overheard by: Next stop was Houston
Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.
–Manhattan-bound C train
Overheard by: Fish
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
–Crowded F train, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jas
Conductor: Go on, now — walk out the door. Just turn around now… Last stop.
–LIRR
Overheard by: not welcome anymore
Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that — just stay still for, like, five seconds… God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don’t stop doin’ things, I’m gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little– [mic turns off].
–F train, East Broadway
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we’re stopping, but I’m not opening the doors!
–njt
Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.
–6 train
