Conductors

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let’s go!

–N train

Overheard by: Julia

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!

–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills

Overheard by: trench coat commuter

Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm… Hope you find what you’re looking for, son.

–125th St station, Harlem

Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.

–Grand Central-bound Metro-North

Conductor: This train will be going express to 137th Street. The next stop on this train will be 137th Street.
Hobo: 137th Street! And if you don’t like it, buy your own train!

–1 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Conductor, angrily: Stand clear of the closing doors!
Passenger: She need to get laid.

–F train

Overheard by: i do too

Conductor: Attention, passengers, this J Train is now going express to Myrtle. You hear me? Express. Express! There is a local train right behind this one. This train is going express! [Mob of angry passengers exits train.] Psych! This is a local J Train to Manhattan. Next stop: Chauncey. Please enjoy the leg room brought to you by the New York City MTA.

–Broadway Junction Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: JRider

Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!

–E train, Queens Plaza station

Conductor: The train is crowded. Please — arms, legs, bags, coats, hats, scarves — pull them in. I cannot close the doors.
Dude: You know it’s someone’s ass…

–1 train

Overheard by: wasn’t my ass