Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I’d choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you’d one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I’ve been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That’s all I do.
–West Side Highway
Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I’d choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you’d one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I’ve been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That’s all I do.
–West Side Highway
EMT driver woman #1: Oooh… That dog is so cute!
EMT driver woman #2: Hmm, he is cute.
EMT driver woman #1: Sometimes I wish I had a dog instead of a child, cuz when the child grows up, they start talking, and then you just wanna knock ’em out!
–Jackson Heights
Elderly woman on stretcher: Is the ambulance heated?
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver: Yes.
Elderly woman on stretcher: I’m gonna freeze to death.
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver (smiling, tenderly): No, you’re gonna sweat to death.
–63rd b/w Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Barry P.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.
–7 Train Subway Platform
Overheard by: your girl Dunham
Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.
–Penn Station, NJ Transit
MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.
–E Train, 7th Avenue Station
Overheard by: jeannine
Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.
–Downtown 6 Train
Conductor: For those of you who don’t know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.
–LIRR
Overheard by: androgenious
Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!
–34th & Broadway
Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.
Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.
–Midwood, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Feliz Navidad
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.
–Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyla
Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
–Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!
–University & E 9th St
Overheard by: Thompson
Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Jochens
Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: traPt
Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.
–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Argopelter
Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!
–Mercer University
Overheard by: J Dawg
Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Dave
Conductor, as lady’s bag keeps catching on door: One woman is single-handedly holding up the entire New York City transit system.
–F train
Headline by: Tad Allagash
Runners-Up:
· “Atlas Shopped” – Rosie
· “More Specifically: One Poor, Tattered Pomeranian Is Single-handedly Holding Up the Entire New York City Transit System.” – criffer
· “Not True- There’s a Hobo Asleep On The Tracks 3 Stops Ahead” – Dangello
· “Passengers: (Continued Indifference)” – Chuckles
· “Then the Lord God Said to the Woman, “What Is This You Have Done?”” – amanda p.
Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.
–R train, Lexington Ave stop
Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn’t let me do this at my old job?!
–Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th
Overheard by: Lezbotron
IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!
–Office, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: beans
I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don’t get bonuses.
–Metro-North
Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it’s all your fault!
–Times Square
30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.
–New Year’s Eve concert
Overheard by: Smash
Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’
–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority
Overheard by: Kevin
20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!
–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: The Simian Space Man
Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].
–2 train
Overheard by: Ladle
[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]
Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Susan Laura
Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
