Ghetto poser kid watching kids eat snacks: Stop the gluttony! Stop the gluttony! I see you! You’re going to hell! [Snacks are eventually passed to him.] Ahhh… [takes a huge handful]. The gluttony will never end! The sin feeds itself!
–Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: fellow glutton
Junior girl #1: I know! So many people are getting mono now — it’s ridiculous.
Junior girl #2: I know! Kaitlyn and I agreed that if one of us gets it, we’re giving it to the other.
Junior girl #1: Why?
Kaitlyn: Because you get sooo skinny when you get mono! It’s, like, the best way to lose weight!
Junior girl #1: Oh.
–Dining hall of private school
Little girl: You can’t party at school.
Little boy: Party?
Little girl, raising the roof: Like ‘Whoop, whoop!’
–Earth School
Overheard by: sjhaughty
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You’re lucky it’s me. In the real world–
Girl holding tally sheet: –In the real world people wouldn’t take it there.
–NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she’s lucky i’m gay
Test-taker #1: You know how good a test location is by the ratio of people to Asians.
Test-taker #2: Huh?
Test-taker #1: That’s how it’s done.
–Line for SATs, Martin Luther King High
Female student: How do you feel about always being a supporting role and never getting to be the leading man?
Matt Dillon: [Silent.]Male student: You’re my leading man!
–School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: terd fergeson
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you’re acting like SpongeBob!
–St. Catherine’s Elementary, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
Headline by: Rock Bottom
Runners-Up:
· “…or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath.” – JC
· “Actual Script from Laguna Beach” – Jeremy
· “Dude, You’ve Been Watching Too Much SquarePant’s Anatomy” – Breanne S.
· “How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?” – Philip
· “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter – Test Campaign #34” – Paul Sheiman
Ghetto kid: Real gangstas get it down on the flo’, on the flo’.
Nerdy kid: What’s a flo’?
–Info Tech High
Overheard by: mary alice v.
Teacher: Who else can we write to who could have a positive impact on the environment?
Second grade boy #1: Donald Trump. [Class laughs.]Teacher: No, he’s right. Mr. Trump owns a lot of buildings in Manhattan.
Second grade girl: And the buildings use a lot of power because they’re tall!
Second grade boy #2: But where does his power come from?
Second grade boy #1: Jesus.
Second grade girl: Nuh-uh. George Clooney.
–Elementary school, South Bronx
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
