Suit #1: Arrrgh! I always wanted a pirate party… Make ye walk the plank.
Suit #2: Yeah, that would’ve been cool. What about a princess party? I don’t understand why only girls got those…
Suit #1: Arrrgh, matey. No kidding.
–Cafe Metro, 39th & 7th
Overheard by: Kelly
Hipster girl #1: I was blowing him and it was taking, like, 20 minutes, so I finally told him to hurry up since my jaw was hurting.
Hipster girl #2: I hate that! How can they take that long to just finish?
Suit nearby: If you would do it right, it would only take two minutes.
–2 train
Overheard by: TP
Bag lady: You look like you got a shitty job!
Suit: Do you even have a job?
Bag lady: Oh, yeah, I do all kinds of jobs. Hand jobs, blowjobs, foot jobs…
Suit: That’s not what I meant–
Bag lady: –Tit jobs…
–6 train
Overheard by: Digeridude
Teen step-daughter, looking at skater shoes: I love these shoes! If I saw a guy wearing these shoes, I’d be totally into him.
Suit: Yeah, but not for a 34-year-old.
Teen step-daughter: I know lots of 34-year-olds that would wear these.
Suit: Yeah, they work at the movie theater.
–Vintage clothing store
Overheard by: Sean B
Suit #1: So, I was at lunch, and I went to Subway to get a sandwich…
Suit #2: Uh-huh…
Suit #1: And I ran into this other guy from work as I was walking out, and he says, ‘Oh my god, I had no idea you were the kind of guy who would eat at Subway!’
–The North East Kingdom, Bushwick, Brooklyn
10-year-old girl punches her suit father in the arm.
Suit: You have no power. [Girl punches him again.] No power. [Girl winds up and punches him hard.] There, see? That hurt more, ’cause you used your body. [Girl turns around and punches her older sister.]Sister: Ow, what the hell?!
Suit: See? I told you — use your body.
–LIRR, Jamaica
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don’t know.
–2 train, Fulton St stop
Suit #1: She had a fat ass with a big skank mark.
Suit #2: A what?
Suit #1: One of those skanky over-the-ass tattoos.
Woman next to them, irritated: That’s called a goddess tattoo.
Suit #1: Goddess of what? Ass fucking?
Suit #2: A Greek goddess! [He and Suit #1 laugh.]Suit #3, to woman: Sorry about these guys. Can I buy you a drink?
–Iguana Bar
Drunk girl sitting on empty, closed newsstand: Look boys! I’m news!
Suit passerby: Daily or weekly?
–16th & 5th
Lady suit: Man, I love cheese. You know what I wish I had? A pillow made of cheese. That way I can eat cheese when I’m awake and when I sleep. I can, like, chew on my pillow and I’ll truly be eating cheese 24/7. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Male suit: Mmm, yes.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: drew roddy
