Suits

Suit #1: Who would win in a fight, a cheetah or a chimpanzee?
Suit #2: Definitely the cheetah.
Suit #1: But what if the chimpanzee kicked the cheetah in the balls?

–34th & Madison

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

Businesswoman #1: So I had to go in this little booth, and it has these tiny holes that shoot air at you! And I was like “What on earth is this for?” and the security guy said “Oh, it’s so we can get a sense of your aura.” I mean really, they don’t let you get on a plane if your aura is bad?
Businesswoman #2: Wow, I guess so. Airport security is getting really tight these days.
Businesswoman #1: Seriously.

–50th & 7th

Overheard by: Arielle

Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.

–84th & Broadway

Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.

–52nd & Lexington

Suit #1: I had to dig a four foot trench last weekend.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: Well, we’re putting a waterfall into my swimming pool.
Suit #1: That’s why they invented Mexicans.

–Trinity Place

Overheard by: B-tron

Suit #1: So now the mayor wants this new festival.
Suit #2: Oh, yeah? Which one?
Suit #1: The Asian Heritage festival, whatever the hell that means.

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: Chandini Davis

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don't sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

–Columbus Circle

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There's no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me "The Vagina Whisperer."

–Moe's Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I'll take you home and we can do something weird… I'll pour honey all over you. Then I'll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I'll pour butter all over you, and I'll make toast, and I'll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You're beautiful! Look at me! You don't want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I'm Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don't think Dave minded that much. He's Canadian.

–5th & W 57th

Overheard by: Charlotte

Suit on phone: I don't think she knows. (pause) But it's just a night job! (pause) No, there's no way I'm pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I'm a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki