Times Square

Look at Andy Kaufmann

Theater buff #1: So, do you think Michael Richards is a racist?
Theater buffs #2 and #3: Yes.
Theater buff #4: Nah.
Theater buff #1: Why not?
Theater buff #4: Because he’s a comedian and he yelled it on stage at a heckler. Racists don’t yell ‘nigger’ during a stand-up act in a comedy club. Racists yell ‘nigger’ when they’re driving a pickup truck dragging a chained-up black man behind them. People don’t fucking understand that a comedy improv can go horribly wrong!

–Sardi’s

Overheard by: Big Larry

I Have the Squish Marks to Prove It

JAP #1: Well, whatever, I’m over him.
JAP #2: I was never under him.
JAP #3: I was.

–Times Square

Overheard by: ella

She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go

Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you’re holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!

–Electronic store, Times Square

Overheard by: French dude

A Thug’s Tail

Thugette #1: I’m gonna be gettin’ me a mermaid tattoo.
Thugette #2: Mermaids? Hey, mermaids ain’t no gangsta.
Thug: Yo, don’t you be dissin’ those mermaids. I’m down with the Little Mermaid.

–Times Square

Now That’s Comedy

Laugh Factory promoter: You like comedy?
Girl: No [walks away].
Laugh Factory promoter: Please talk to me. I hate my job.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Julissa

Also His Original Plan for Stopping New Yorkers from Smoking

North Dakotan tourist: Hi, Mr. Mayor. Can we take a picture with you?
Mayor Bloomberg: Sure thing, but if you don’t smile I’m going to tickle you.

–Times Square

A Blacklight Is Always Handy

20-ish chick #1: We should have brought a black light to see what her teeth would have done.
20-ish chick #2: You always know how to make me feel better about bitches like that.

–Times Square

Socrates: If You Think You Get It, You Don’t Get It

Tourist #1: Our next vacation should be to Chicago. At least people there are normal.
Tourist #2: They are not normal.
Tourist #1: Why not?
Tourist #2: People from the Midwest just don’t get it like we do — we just get it.
Tourist #1: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I think I get it.
Tourist #2: No, you don’t.

–Times Square

With Considerable Waxy Buildup

Disgusted mom: I thought that old man had a Bluetooth in his ear…
Teen daughter: It wasn’t?
Disgusted mom: It was ear hair.

–Times Square

Overheard by: SurferGirl

I’m Glad I Aborted His Baby

Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.

–Starbucks, Times Square

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