Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Kiss on the Mouth

Guy: Man, I don’t have any money… I wish I was a prostitute.

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Kay

Man on cell: She ain’t gettin’ it. I’ll tell you what we’re going to do — we’re going to fire all the women. The one time a month we need ’em, we’ll hire hookers.

–Washington Square Park

Man on cell: Don’t call her a prostitute! That’s my mom you’re talking about. You lived with her — was she a prostitute then? No, she was not!

–92nd & 1st

Overheard by: Jessie’s Girl

Suit: So have you considered prostitution? I’m not saying you should do it, but have you thought about it?

–N train

Hipster: She was movie hooker! You hardly ever see a movie hooker in real life!

–Central Park

Overheard by: wondering what they were talking about

JAP on cell: Fulton Street is big! Not as big as your appetite for hookers, but big enough!

–Broadway & Nassau

Overheard by: nbtd

Guy to friends at table: My dad owns a crackwhore house, and he wonders why his electric bills are so high!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Genna and Elaina

Man Bites Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: You have the responsibility of perming your own dog.

–Ellis Island Ferry

Dude: … So the guy says, ‘They always think they want their dog stuffed, but they really don’t,’ and that’s why he makes you pay in advance.

–Duff’s, Williamsburg

Overheard by: LP

JAP: I think when I get back I want to get a dog… And then maybe one of my parents could be my intern. — like, take care of the dog and stuff. I don’t understand why that is such a ridiculous suggestion. I mean, it’s not like they’re doing anything of interest.

–6 train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Adrienne

Little girl chasing pigeon: Bye-bye, doggie!

–DeSalvio Park playground, Spring & Mulberry

Overheard by: jharris

Cashier to customer: Have a good night and enjoy your… dog food.

–Animal Crackers, E 2nd St

Overheard by: Sara

Little girl to father: Daddy, can we eat the dog food?

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Yum yum gimme some

There’s a Law Against Wednesday One-Liners in Alabama

Woman playing with touchable exhibits, to friend: You know, we never used riding crops until our wedding night.

–Museum of Sex

Hot chick on cell: I just made a first date for tonight… Fifteen minutes later I remember the hickeys I have on my neck. [Long pause, then] That said, it’s a date with a guy I met while I was wearing a collar, so maybe bite marks are, like, expected of me.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick on cell: How can I be a submissive if we’re listening to the Eurythmics?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Hot chick on cell: My only problem is randomly spanking strange women.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Drunk girl to drunk guy: So, after our conversation last night, I Googled ‘circle jerk.’ Is that something you guys do often?

–The Hairy Monk, 27th & 3rd

Wednesday-One-Liners Are Still Waiting on Reparations

Woman: It’s so rare to see a happy, black couple these days.

–Nunya

Overheard by: Jason

Guy on cell: I want to do, like, a modern blaxploitation kinda thing.

–111th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Conrad

JAP on cell: Yeah, Flava Flav. The show’s called Flava of Love, it’s like The Bachelor for black people.

–J&B Coffee, W 3rd St & McDougal

Overheard by: amused black girl

Ghetto girl: I swear, I feel like motherfuckin’ Harriet Tubman. Shoot.

–Tunnel between F & 1 trains, 14th St

Guy: Hey, you guys like stand-up comedy? Take this flyer. What, you ain’t gonna take it? Is it ’cause I’m black?

–Times Square

Bimbette: I’m not racist, I talked to a black girl in the bathroom today.

–A train

If You Can’t Afford a Wednesday One-Liner, One Will Be Appointed to You

Disillusioned hipster: Jesus Christ, I just don’t have fun at shows like this anymore. I can’t wait to become a corporate attorney.

–LCD Soundsystem show, Studio B, Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Overheard by: deke shearon

Lady suit: So, they made a bong out of a Super Soaker and some bottles. It was all fancy — it had a mask and everything. But they do grow up. He’s a clerk for a judge now.

–29th & Lex

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Old man lawyer: I’m not going to give myself away to some slutty little mortgage company!

–Law firm, Midtown

Smoking hoochie on cell: So I said, ‘Fuck him. Let him get a public defender. We have things to do this weekend!’

–53rd & 5th

The Culture of Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: I don’t think people know why they go to museums. They mostly go so they can tell their friends later, “Oh, yeah, I went to the Metropolitan today.”

–West 53rd between 5th & 6th

Suit: Foie gras? You’ve got to be kidding, it’s not even in season! I don’t have the money for that! I just spent $50 on boxers!

–34th & 5th

Dude: I can’t respect a guy who does capoeira.

–University & 14th

Overheard by: Kim

Reporter: She saw a Pauly Shore movie and that made her want to join the Army? Wow!

–Daily News offices, W. 33rd Street

Woman: Remember, you break it you buy it.

–Fine china section, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: jen wik

Wednesday One-Liners with a Side of Egg Roll

Asian girl to her white friend: Oh my God, we have to leave before someone else thinks I work here.

–store in Chinatown

Overheard by: shopper

Man, leading a small group of tourists: We are entering Little Korea. This is where you can find… little Koreans.

–M4 bus, 32nd St.

Wednesday One-Liners Have 23 Intelligence, but 6 Charisma

Fat college guy on cell: I only read books with robot insects on the cover. If it doesn’t have robot insects, I slap a sticker on. Pride and Prejudice? Robot insects on the cover makes it better.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ferry

Guy to friend: Look, the root of the problem is that you have a shrine dedicated to semi-colons in your closest! I don’t care if they’re the god of all punctuation marks, that’s just weird!

–Stuyvesant High School

Metrosexual: I’m fairly certain that I’ve read every single fantasy series that has dragons in it.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Karin

Ghetto chick: Nah, all I’m sayin’s is that even if you look like Steve Urkel, as long as you got the brain of Steve Urkel, you good with me.

–Jamaica-bound F train

Overheard by: Floyd

Leader of pack of teen boys dressed up like Star Trek characters: I didn’t say it was a good planet…

–Tuxedo Renaissance Festival

Overheard by: Murray

Sodom and Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I should start going to gay bars. I’m tired of going to all these straight bars where guys feel free to rub their penis all over your ass.

–Zabar’s, Broadway & 80th St.

Overheard by: Basil

Woman: Honestly, I wonder what she ended up doing with a 3 foot, papier-mache penis.

–Broadway/Lafayette station

Overheard by: Jaya

Guy: I don’t want to live in a building that undulates!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Derek

McWednesday One-Liners

MTA conductor: This train is going to run express. The next and last stop is McDonald's… I mean Astoria-Ditmars Boulevard.

–W Train

British teenager: They didn't even spell it right, it's "Mac Donald's," not "mc"!

–McDonald's, Bowery & Bayard

Student to class: I ate a McGriddle last week, and it was like eating a baby angel.

–Classroom, NYU

Frantic foreign lady: Is this the train that goes to McDonald's?

–F Subway

Overheard by: laura

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