Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Sharp They Cut Themselves

Woman smoking outside bar: That’s what I love about City College – we’re all geniuses at City College!

–238th St, Riverdale, Bronx

Blonde: His MySpace’s ‘Who I want to meet’ says ‘Albert Einstein with big boobs.’ Does that mean he thinks I’m smart?

–Astoria

Guy on cell: Can I speak with someone smarter than you? I’m pretty sure that there’s someone smarter than you.

–Q101 bus on Steinway

Overheard by: Gregorio

Man talking to himself: There are geniuses, and there are penises…

–F train

Overheard by: Stella

Professor: Well, it’s obvious that non-human animals are very smart – especially the smarter ones.

–Columbia University

Let’s Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby

Dude on cell: I’ll give you the worst first — I think I wanna fuck…

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Man in hurry, muttering: Sex… Sex. Sex? Sex!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sam

Guitarist: To pack a theater, a good movie once in a while, and a can of tomato juice. That’s all I want out of life, folks. Well, maybe a bit of sex, too.

–42nd St station

Overheard by: Spencer

20-ish guy to pal: So she says, ‘Let’s meet up. Food? Drinks? Sex? Sounds good.’

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: meghoney

Hot chick on cell: … But if you’re having casual sex with her, why can’t you have it with me?

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Mao Carrera

Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas

Chick on cell: Oh my god, I cried so much… Yeah, I’m going to go home and watch it again. Then I’m going to write ocean porn with my friend. When are you getting home?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Bernard

Hipster: To sunshine, rainbows and gay porn!

–Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park

Dude to chick: … So she put the CD in the computer, and as Windows Media Player starts popping up, I remember I had been jerking it to lesbian porn about a half hour before that…

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: P. Mills

Hipster chick on cell: … In Barnes and Noble’s. Yeah, we’ll be here for a while. I’m reading porn in the Science Fiction section… Yes, the Science Fiction section! So?

–Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Drunk guy: Yeah, so all these straight women are totally into this gay Japanese porn. You know, uh, what’s it called? Yahweh?

–Ceol Irish Pub, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Got Milk

12-year-old to friend: Pull on my nipples and scream!

–42nd & 5th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Roger Mortis

Lady to male friend: So, I am unsure how you came to the conclusion that members of a particular race have awesome nipples.

–Bowery & 4th

Overheard by: beantowner

Dude: She was beautiful, but her nipples were like a car accident!

–Last Exit Bar, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: D

Police dispatch: Mister Nipple is at it again, Midtown.

–Chinatown

Wednesday One-Liners Are Anything but Normal

Bimbette on cell: Well, I really need to go to Linens ‘n’ Things today, because when I move into my new apartment I’m going to need tons of, like, linens… ‘n’ things. Oh my god, that’s so weird!

–Outside Bed, Bath & Beyond, 19th & 6th

Mini thug: Yo, my mother is weird, son. All we be having is fruits and shit in our house — like we Jewish or somethin’.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: tiffb

Large black lady: You must have to look weird to work in this store… I haven’t seen a normal-looking person since we got here.

–GameStop, 33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Toria

Queer: Being gay is sooo weird.

–F train

Girl to friend: Making out with my brother was the weirdest thing of my life.

–79th St Crosstown Bus

Wednesday Will Be Cloudy with Intermittent One-Liners

UES lady: Over here it gets cold when it snows.

–71st & Madison

Man: It must be nice to have an umbrella that has some character.

–W 60th

Little boy, looking up at overcast sky: Daddy, I know it’s going to rain, because I’m burning.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chelsea

Lady pushing through crowd exiting during torrential rainstorm: Come on, people, it’s only water! Half of you could do with a fucking shower anyway!

–Police concert, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Dominick

Suit: No joke, that’s her real name? I thought only strippers and porn stars were named for seasons and weather conditions.

–28th & Park

Seminiferous Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I didn’t have time to talk to her, but I had enough time to show her my balls.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meagan Chen

Chick: Dude, that sucks balls. Wait, no, that sucks placentas.

–72nd & 5th

Frat boy yelling from taxi: Show us your balls!

–West Village

Little boy slamming G.I. Joe onto sidewalk: Kiss my ball sack, bitch!

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Chick: So, really, what does happen when you put ice on a guy’s balls?

–18th & Park

Banker: I want to get some coffee to dip my balls in. Then I’ll let you drink it. That’s how much I like you. I’d let you drink my ball coffee.

–21st floor, Wall St firm

There’s No Place Like Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to fancy lady: Will you take me home with you?

–1 train, 96th St

Woman to friend: I know you’re upset because you’re going home to an apartment without a urinal. I feel the same way. [Suddenly shouting] I’m not seven years old! I need a jacuzzi!

–1 train

Overheard by: Doc

Black suit to friend: I’m just gonna go home and pick my ass.

–Park Slope

Ice queen on cell: You listen to me, Maria — I know you stole those earrings, and if they aren’t back on my bureau when I get home, I’m having you deported!

–E 70th & Lex

Overheard by: MbigE

Angry woman on cell: Why do you keep calling me?! I am going to slap you! Stay home and wait ’til I get there so I can slap you!

–4th Ave platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: misspenny

Pretty girl to ugly drunk blocking her way: I’m not going home with you! What are you, a fucking idiot?

–Spring & Mott St

Overheard by: Azo

Rapunzel’s Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy to redhead: If I had red hair, I think that it would make me violent!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

B&T broad on cell: Well, I have to get my hair done if we’re going to the beach!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

JAP: He asked me to rub his chest hair. I was like, ‘Can I braid your chest hair, put little beads on it and make it shimmy so I can pretend I’m on vacation?’

–6 train

Girl to friend: I’d never want to be homeless, ’cause my hair would get greasy and that’d be way too uncomfortable.

–Washington Square Park

Barber cutting hippie’s hair: Well, there goes the revolution.

–Astor Barber Shop

Wednesday One-Liners Got All My Sisters and Me

Creepster: Have you ever ripped out your sister’s piercings?

–72nd & Brodway

Overheard by: Ariella

Girl to friend: … And my aunt told my cousin — who is a huge slut — she told her, ‘Girl, you’re nothing but a box with a hole in it!’

–Starbucks, Worth & Lafayette St

Massive black dude on cell: You know my daughter? The yellow one? She be out all night getting fucked by some dude at a crack house. At least her sister’s decent enough to tell me when she do shit like that.

–Forbidden Planet Comics

Man: Well, I put my sister in the ER the same number of times she put me in, so I figure we’re even.

–Delancey Bar

Overheard by: Nerf

Hipster: If you don’t want to hurt your grandparents’ feelings, but you’re too afraid to tell them you’re a homosexual, just tell them you graduated from SUNY Purchase.

–Metro-North to White Plains

Overheard by: Straight alumni

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