Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Hear a Word You’re Saying

Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you — you are not getting an iPod!

–14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m homeless, and I’m hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy’s gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I’d appreciate it. I know you’re human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I’d free all of you. Even the white people.

–Manhattan-bound A train

Overheard by: courtenay

Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?

–22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Dave H.

Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I’ve got everything I need — I’ve got an iPod, I’ve got a boyfriend…

–W 63rd & West End Ave

Overheard by: Suze V

Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too… But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.

–Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg

Old woman pointing at guy’s iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?

–Times Square shuttle

Overheard by: goofopet

Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner

Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn’t mean I’m anorexic.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: rina

Man: I mean, I don’t see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.

–Central Park

Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word ‘diet’? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.

–Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners, You Are Here

Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m in New York City… Yeah, it’s on the East coast, but it’s not really on the East coast. It’s not, like, next to water or anything.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Beach Goer

Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.

–14th & 4th

Overheard by: girl in the red coat

High school boy: So let me ask you this — how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?

–3 train

Overheard by: Nick H

School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want… We’re in Times Square!

–Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Go back to Iowa

Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?

–Houston, at LaGuardia

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Best Medicine

Smiling dad to giggling infant he’s holding: Yeah, get yo’ laugh on!

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: chris

Chick: … And that’s how I had a miscarriage. Oh! That reminds of a funny story!

–NYU

Young suit: Ray* would be a better salesman if he wasn’t trying to be funny all the time. Like me — I can turn it off at the right times. Like, just today I said to Lynn*, ‘We should just take lunch for the rest of the day,’ and she said, ‘Just not come back, right?’ So I said, ‘You know me — I actually like to work all day and all night long,’and she said that I was hilarious…

–2 train

Columbia chick: I broke up with a guy once for being too funny. He was giving me wrinkles from laughing so hard!

–116th & Broadway

Cop to others: You know what’s really fucking funny? Everybody around here looks fucking suspicious.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Morgan

Wednesday One-Liners: The E! True Hollywood Story

Dude to another: You’re not so bad yourself. You look like Kevin Nealon on a good day. A good day!

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: I wish

Man: Ahmadinejad is not a baller.

–114th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Old Russian man to skate rat: Excuse me, what for are they talking about when they say, ‘J. Lo is meat curtains’?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Billy Splatts!

Goth girl: So, I’m like Jon Benet Ramsey, parenthetically speaking.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: meliss

Woman: … So then I rolled over, and it was Bill Murray on Rollerblades playing drums on my windowpane!

–Prince & Thompson

Overheard by: Emily

Wednesday One-Liners Open the Doors of Perception

Guy on cell: Just take some Vicodin and smoke some pot, and you’ll be fine.

–Pratt Institute

Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.

–5th & 2nd

Overheard by: Tim Houghton

Chick on cell: I don’t know what you’re saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn’t matter.

–9th & 5th

Overheard by: traPt

Old, crunchy hipster: I’m all set — I’ve got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!

–Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater

Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I’m allergic to heroin.

–Duane Reade, 145th St

Overheard by: I hope benadryl doesn’t cure that allergy

Wednesday Feliners

Frat boy: This time the cat wasn’t bigger than my cock at all!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Last time it was, though.

Crazy dude: Cats tryin’ to eat me out here… If you eat me, I’ma eat you, too! I ain’t no snack!

–A train

Overheard by: Marlena Mc

20-ish suit: … Found out my dad murdered my cat when I was kid… He told me it ran away, then he confessed last night at the party. What an asshole! But he got me a dog right after he killed the cat, so it didn’t bother me so much.

–7th St

Chick: We threw my friend a wedding shower that was a luau. It was great — grass skirts, the whole bit. Only 20 bucks a person — really reasonable. We even got these sand terrarium things, which was awesome until my cat decided it would be a great place to drop a load.

–Hill Country BBQ, W 26th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Suit on cell: There’s more than one way to peel a cat.

–51st & Broadway

Pick Up, Wednesday One-Liners — I Know You’re There, Dammit!

Drunk man on pay phone: What are you doing? … You weren’t waiting for me to call, motherfucker! You were not! You motherfucker…

–106th & 2nd

Seven-year-old girl on cell: I’ve been getting hundreds of calls today.

–95th & Broadway

Chick on cell: Oh, and happy birthday, to your face. Well, your phone-face.

–12th & 2nd

Angry lady on cell: You have a Sprint phone? You son of a bitch!

–11th & 3rd

JAP on cell: The iPhone makes you look fat? You’re crazy… It really does?

–Duane Reade, 28th & Park

Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners

Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos… They hurt like hell!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of the other!

–JMZ

Dude: Well, I’ve got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.

–Bedford & N 7th

Overheard by: Dylan

Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!

–Dean & DeLuca

TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out.

–Rachel’s Restaurant

Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better!

–Shea Stadium

Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed.

–Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson

Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!

–L platform, Lorimer.

Overheard by: einladle

Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ryan H

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