Wednesday One-Liners

Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word

Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there — that’s a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.

–Duane Reade

Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!

–Dermatologist, UES

Overheard by: Kate

Black suit: Oh, I’m the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!

–Washington Square Park

Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming ‘Lexington’ with ‘Nextel.’

–Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Pies

Sports editor: We need more magical black men.

–Columbia Spectator office

Overheard by: Kavitha

Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!

Shiksa: No, I’m not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.

–Museum of Jewish Heritage

Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing…

–9th & 2nd

Overheard by: lezbotron

Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.

–Union Square

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That’s why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.

–Main St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Out Shaking Hands and Kissing Babies

Woman examining broken window on her mini-van: This is bullshit! It’s freakin’ Democrats!

–24th, between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Michael C.

Chick: Play lacrosse and have gang-bangs with chicks — that’s what Republicans do.

–44th & 5th

Little girl: Is George Bush a Republican or a Dominican?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carrie

Fat, sweaty guy: Excuse me, people! Sweaty liberal coming through! [Crowd parts.]

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: kiran

40-something tourist to her daughter: All the homeless may be Democrats, but not all Democrats are homeless.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: not yet anyway

Wednesday Wants to Get in Your One-Liners

FedEx guy to passerby: Hey, they’re my trousers! What are you doing wearing my fuckin’ trousers?!

–Houston & 1st

Man with water-cooler jug of coins: Please give to help the homeless. Anything can help… A smile, a pork chop, a pair of pants…

–55th & 5th

Jersey hoochie walks by, her thong showing conspicuously.

Matter-of-fact mom to eight-year-old son: That girl’s going to lose her pants.

–NJ Transit terminal, Penn Station

Overheard by: cockrin

Guy on phone: … And so I put my hands in his pants and realized, ‘Oh my god, I’m gay!’

–McDonald’s, Times Square

Little boy to mother: These pants are too small! I’m gonna get a yeast infection if I put these on!

–Target

Overheard by: The dressing room next door

Wednesday One-Liners Say the Darndest Things

Little boy to mail woman: FedEx is better than you!

–80th & West End

Little girl with hands on bull’s balls: Mommy, Mommy! Take a picture of me! I’m going to milk it!

–Wall St Bull

Four-year-old girl, referring to bull’s balls: Touch ’em, Daddy, touch ’em!

–Wall St Bull

Seven-year-old girl, hopping furiously on one leg: My legs are confusing me!

–Corson Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: Matt

Young boy to mother: I wish you would stop blaming me for all of your life’s problems!

–40th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jay

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pricks

Man looking at reflection in door: Yeah, I got a big dick. Girl, you know I got a big dick. Gimme some of that pussy.

–6 train, 103rd St

Jewish girl: I swear to you, his dick wasn’t any bigger than this! This piece of cheesecake! You should have seen the look on my face!

–Murray Hill Diner

Chick on cell: The phalluses got soft and were pulled offstage…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Thug: Girl, I know you miss my dick head, but I’m at the Apple Store!

–Tekserve, W 23rd & 6th

Man: It’s Yom Kippur, and I’m here looking at Ian McKellen’s penis.

–King Lear performance, Brooklyn Academy of Music

Overheard by: a little shocked at its size

Don’t Wednesday One-Liner on the Electric Fence

Girl: This better be it, or I will pee on your leg. I’m serious this time.

–Union Square South

College girl: Wait. If you didn’t pee in a jar, then where did you pee?

–Broadway

Drunk chick: I can not give you a no-pee guarantee.

–25th & 6th

Coworker to another: I think I have to stand in the bathroom with you. I just can’t seem to get the right angle.

–Office, Midtown

Southern tourist lady looking at bathroom line: Well, can we pee on the street?

–Hirschfeld Theater

Get a Life, Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is your second chance for the A Train. Not so many times in life do you get a second chance. A Train — across the platform.

–C train, 42nd St

Overheard by: deb

Tall black woman: Beyoncé! That bitch! She stole my life!

–PATH, 14th St

Overheard by: Adam A

Suit: You know, I made up my mind to eat Ritz crackers for the rest of my life, and dammit, I’m gonna enjoy it!

–54th & Park

Overheard by: fellow ritz lover

Chick: Then someone put on Linkin Park — can you believe that? I had to just go in the back and smell some pretty soap and pretend I know what I’m doing with my life.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: dave !

Commuter student: Yeah, you know, I want to have a life. I want to get my nails done.

–NYU

Overheard by: because really, what more is there to life?

Wednesday One-Liners Taste Like Chicken

Dude to another: … And he said he found a recipe for turning human beings into mutton.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Psychlone

Kid: Boogers taste like paste!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: paste eater

Chick: So I didn’t know what it was… And then I put it in my mouth…

–Benny’s Burritos

Man: I’ve never eaten a fetus that big…

–8th Ave, near 14th St

Professor: I mean, I was looking into Christianity, but then I was driven to cannibalism…

–Eugene Lang College

Jock: Man, the things I would eat out of her ass…!

–Union Square

I’ve Had It with These Motherfucking One-Liners on This Motherfucking Wednesday

Professor: Well, we’re all fucking crazy lunatic motherfuckers anyway, so why the fuck does it matter?

–NYU

Overheard by: observer

Angry black woman on cell: Yo, man, it’s like that old saying, ‘Don’t fuck with your employees, you motherfucker.’

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Damn Straight

Mom to infant waving bottle around: What the fuck? Are you fucking out of your mind?!

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Drunk next to wife: Hey! Where did those girls that I fucked go? Hey! I fucked you girls! What the fuck?

–LIRR

Conductor: Union Square, motherfuckers!

–Astoria-bound N train

Overheard by: Caroline & Skid

Angry Russian thug on cell: You want fuck? I give you fuck! I stab my cock into your heart!

–Houston & 2nd

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