Wednesday One-Liners

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can’t decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I’ll come over, we’ll brew some tea, and then we’ll get hammered.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy’s guy: My 19th birthday is Monday… Yeah, I think I’m gonna cry… I don’t know, I’ve been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying… I know! I think it’s all the soy milk I’ve been drinking.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it’s kosher.

–Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

–Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

–Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They’re economic… They’re sociable… And yeah, yeah that’s it.

–Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman

Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it’s my job to bury it. ‘Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let’s hope for global warming, because then we’ll all have beach-front property.

–6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January…

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing… Save the world from global warming… I definitely prefer the former.

–Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

–79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I’m no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

–58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we’ve just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

–JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

Wednesday One-Liners: Picky, Bruised, but Hopeful

Charmer on cell: Yeah, man. I mean, I kind of like her. I’m not that crazy about her kids, but I think I’m going to keep seeing her. Her apartment’s in a really great location.

–Outside Central Bar, 9th & 3rd

Hipster chick: Sometimes I think finding a boy to be bitchy to is just as good as finding a boyfriend.

–F train

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Tough girl to friend: I’ve decided you need to be with a hard guy.

–M16 bus, near Waterside

Overheard by: inothernews

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Me Too

JAP: I would never date anyone who lives in a borough.

–122nd & Broadway

Overheard by: guarquez sanchez

Dad to depressed 13-year-old girl: Remember — friends are forever, boys are whatever.

–106th & Madison

Overheard by: Laura

Chick on cell: Yeah, so everything’s good, but I don’t think I’d go out with him again.

–Outside Church of the Incarnation, 35th & Madison

Wednesday One-Liners! Take a Flyer!

Comedy club guy: Yay, comedy! Yay, booze! Girl, don’t you walk away from me. I will follow you all over New York if I have to. Now take a flyer.

–Times Square

Overheard by: GregumsdaGreggy

Hawker: Yes, I am an angel of the Lord… AM New York! AM New York, here!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Fourth Axiom

Flyer guy: Free Mets schedules! Get your free Mets schedule! Spring is here! Mets are here! Wish I wasn’t.

–Union Square

Overheard by: you and me both, buddy

Street hawker: Take it — slit your wrists with it, roll your drugs in it — I don’t care. Just take it.

–43rd & 7th

Comedy promoter: Colorful paper! Free colorful paper! Use it to wipe your ass!

–Times Square

Vendor: Daily News! One for 25 cents, three for a dollar!

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: Sara Gabriela

Metro paper guy: Ladies and gentlemen, if you miss this bus it will be a seven to ten-minute wait… Get your free Metro paper here! Awww, no one even gives a shit about what I’m sayin’.

–23rd & Park

Overheard by: much-too-much

Wednesday One-Liners, Dearest

Lady to girlfriend: Your mother is gross. Two hundred dollars for one concert, four hundred dollars for another… This is why your family don’t have Christmas!

–Marshall’s, 125th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman leading little girl off subway: Don’t worry, Mommy’s pushing all these people out of our way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: sgeness

Father to son: You need to go away from home. When you go to college, or if you choose to go to boarding school, you need to go away — minimum of four hundred miles. And you should go away not just for the sake of going away — you need to get away from your mother.

–Central Park

Tween girl: My mama tried to kill me once, too, but I hit her in the head with a spoon.

–Donnell Public Library

Professor: The set design in Mary Poppins — since it is for children, nothing can be construed as sexual. It is for children before they start thinking of their mothers as sexual creatures… Boy, I’m not sending my mother this week’s lecture podcast.

–Columbia University

Big sis: Don’t be a failure and disappoint Mom!

–Line for American Girl movie auditions, 50th & 5th

Overheard by: slohmie

Ghetto chick on cell: So, yeah, yo — my mother got married this weekend. I don’t know who she married, but she got married this weekend, yo.

–Macy’s

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Smarter Than Paris Hilton

Yuppie chick on cell: Yeah, she’s going to Paris. Did you also know that she’s retarded?

–Park Row Building

Overheard by: City Hall

Male actor: Personally, I don’t care much for movies about retarded people.

–Broadway & Spring

Fiancé mashing up dog food: There are certain jobs I think retarded people would love to do…

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Baffled fiancée

Sweet chick: If you want to see me cry, show me retarded kids playing sports — that gets me every time.

–Restaurant

Biotech on cell: I mean, he just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re going to be retarded, at least be consistently retarded.

–115th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Too Much E!

Dad: Son, I gotta ask — do you think George Lucas has your best interests at heart?

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Shona Riddell

Fat eight-year-old boy with lisp: … And that’s why I’m starting a petition to get Don Imus back on the air.

–Times Square

30-something jumping up and down: Oh my god! Leonardo DiCaprio totally just made eye contact with me!

—The Gardener of Eden premier, Tribeca Film Festival

Overheard by: And omigod, I totally just saw his hair!

Hipster: So, this girl came up to us and asked us if we were art fags. Anyway, long story short, I had sex with her in Richard Gere’s rooftop Zen garden.

–Union Square

Pooper on cell: You like Rosie O’Donnell and listen to Madonna — I know what you are… I really do love my wife, and I love your dick, too, but I hate it when it squirts at me.

–Restroom, Radisson Hotel, 32nd St

Overheard by: j

Extradited Wednesday One-Liners

Student: … And in Soviet Russia, penis sucks you.

–Stuyvesant High

Conductor: This is Prospect Park. Next stop: Cambodia. Cambodia is next.

–Q train

Overheard by: Lucas Krech

Dude on cell: Oh, I forgot to tell you — I was deported from Italy!

–JFK

History teacher: I’ve never been to Guatemala. Every time I try to go they have a revolution.

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: The nerve of those guys

Crazy guy ascending escalator, arms outstretched: Welcome to the United Nations!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Lizzy Fo Shizzy

Amateur foreign relations expert: You see, the Hutus and Tutsis in Rwanda — there’s a massacre I can respect.

–2 train, Chambers St

Overheard by: pumpkin

Creepy-laugh-guy: Hahaha. Well… I’d have to take you out of the country to do that.

–W 3rd & LaGuardia

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