Wednesday One-Liners

Quick Draw Wednesday One-Liners

Young man to lady: So, Anthony told me you got machine gun titties…?

–42nd St station

Overheard by: interested

Crazy lady waving cane at laughing skateboarder: That’s right! Run for your life, motherfucker! I’m on a hunt! And you’re the prey!

–Outside Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Sputnik5

Ghetto chick: … And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha… And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time — he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew… You know them Jews — all into they money and shit.

–E train

Little boy on scooter: I believe I can fly! I just got shot by the FBI!

–Lex & Broadway

Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, ‘cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don’t need no gun — all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.

–D train, from Coney Island

Overheard by: jennievil

High school girl to her friend: If she didn’t show up for the shooting, she is not going to show up for the bomb scare.

–F train

Digitally-Enhanced Wednesday One-Liners

Chick to friend: He took a picture of his nephew and made it ugly… You know, like, with Photoshop? And they’re putting it on t-shirts and selling them!

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jen

Angry employee on store intercom: Will the Easter Bunny please report to the photo center?

–Target, Queens

Overheard by: Chris

Girl: I want a picture of the Statue of Liberty’s ass!

–Statue of Liberty

Chick on cell: We took photos down our shirts while we watched trannies dance.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Suit: That woman is not pretty. She needs all the Photoshop she can get.

–Soho

Overheard by: robyn

Hipster: So, did you get any good pictures of the brie?

–75th & York

Overheard by: Maya D

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really More Verbal

Female coworker: Seven inches. That’s seven inches I’ve had taken out.

–1250 Broadway

Crazy, wigged Puerto Rican chick: There are so many different personalities, you know? Fifty-one states, fifty-one different personalities.

–Outside Home Night Club, 27th St, between 10th & 11th

Queer on cell: Well, everyone wants to be number one… Until they are number one… Then they want to be number five.

–Union Square

Asian airline rep: To all passengers waiting for standby information on flight, chances of getting on airplane are zero to none. Please, no more asking.

–LaGuardia

Teen trying on jacket: How does this look on me, on a scale of one to ten, with five being the middle?

–Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: Raoul

Guy on cell: I have two, three, or four siblings…

–9th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: you can never be too sure

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Wednesday One-Liners for the Upper Manhattan Empowerment Zone

Conductor: This is your conductor speaking. This station is 125th Street… Welcome to Harlem world.

–2 train

Overheard by: mo love

Geeky white hipster: Some guy would try to mug me and I’d be like, ‘Yo, I was born in Harlem!’ And he’d be like, ‘Damn.’

–Fordham University Ram Van

Woman on cell: Yes, I’m still in Harlem.

–Flushing, Queens

Hipster waitress, after describing dull evening in Harlem: I guess you take your chances, going all the way out in the middle of nowhere like that.

–Hope & Anchor, Red Hook, Brooklyn

Friendly man to lady passerby: Good morning! [She ignores him.] Come on, this is Harlem! In Harlem we say, ‘Good morning’!

–145th & Broadway

Young black kid to group of white ladies: There goes the neighborhood!

–116th & Frederick Douglass, Harlem

Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!

–8th & Broadway

Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chicken, and you ain’t no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Barbara

Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up.

–61st St

Overheard by: bill r

Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care…

–1 train

Overheard by: ChiChi

Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.

–W 45th & Broadway

Overheard by: MW

Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery

Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?

–Starbucks, The Villiage

Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard

Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen…

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Tyler

Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot?

–The Met

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.

–231st & Broadway

Overheard by: KK

Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles.

–East Houston St, near BHSEC

MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!

–4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

–Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!

–51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

–Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

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