All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands

Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I’d rather be pole dancing.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: braincurve

Girl: I mean, I’m a stripper, but that don’t mean I’m a ho.

–Central Park

Guy on cell: I don’t get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don’t want a fucking stripper on my lap while I’m eating steak. I’ve got a knife.

–Austin Street, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Ethan

Black girl: ‘Fo real, she makes all that money dancin’, and she can’t even herself get a weave?

–86th & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners Get Paid Friday

Man looking at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the national deficit.

–Union Square

Employee: Shit, I don’t have no pennies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Graham Ave

Girl: Non-profit groups are, like, so non-lucrative!

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Pants

Spastic kid: All I have to my name is a cigarette and two Sacagawea coins!

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: Jess Cohennnnn

JAP on cell: I had a nightmare last night that Mom canceled my credit card statement… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweating!

–NYU

Overheard by: glamourcharm

Chick: ‘Insufficient fare’?! What does that mean?

–7th Ave subway station

The United States of Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: You want to know why America is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.

–53rd & Madison

Overheard by: Ramblin Bradley Scott

Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hearing about Gaza. So many people getting shot…it just sounds like LA.

–86th & CPW

Girl: “AKA” means “otherwise known as.” This is America!

–23 Street C station

Hipster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grandma what?…Ew!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Shawn Chesterfield

Hobo: I wish all of America was in Jordan.

–Stuyvesant Park

Woman: …It’s not the money I’m worried about, it’s just that
Hoboken taxi drivers are shitheads.

–Office, 50th & 6th

Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find a hooker? This isn’t Las Vegas!

–54th & 6th

Overheard by: Eface

Tourist man: One way ticket to Hewston please.

–50th Street 1 station

Turbaned white guy: Well, obviously I’m American, but my preferred religion is Punjabi.

–Union Square

Overheard by: misha

Suit: Hawaii is so boring! There’s nothing to do but stay calm.

–52nd & Lexington

Girl: Have you been to the rest of the country? The rest of the country is not New York. They obviously don’t know anything about fashion.

–Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City… Technically

Hipster girl: ‘Flushing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Stadium

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train platform, Penn Station

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Manhattan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Station

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Wednesday One-Liners: “Is This Thing On?”

PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th

Overheard by: Rebecca

Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o'clock!

–Baggage Claim, JFK

Overheard by: Kimmie

Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully-cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They're hot! They're fresh! And they were alive this morning!

–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stacy

Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they're about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean "flag football" will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.

–East Side Community High School

Gadzooks! Wednesday One-liners!

Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lynn Casey

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like a Dog in Heat

Conductor: Hey, clear the closing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the police on you this week? … Did she have you escorted out of her building this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just wanted to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it because she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hudson & Christopher

Overheard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hungry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s only 21. Gonna marry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to buddy: No, it actually sucks because she’s a selfish bitch. She switched our cell phones because mine vibrates better… So she can get off in her cube.

–Hershey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitches. There’s, like, a group of bitches here… and a group of bitches there.

–Outside bar, 32nd & 4th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yellow suit with matching hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m saying, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nigga to a bitch.

–Waiting for the L, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?

–D train

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.

–Magnolia Bakery

Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Central Station

British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Varick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Columbia campus

Overheard by: Cheney

Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone

Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apartment Building, Midtown

Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."

–L Train

Overheard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Overheard by: Angela

Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

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