Thuggish 12-year-old kid: I can so beat you at UNO.
Thuggish 10-year-old brother: Fuck you.
–L Train
Archive for the ‘Kids’ Category
But He Has Become Invisible to Most People
Drunk hobo, singing: Put a little money in the hat!
Six-year-old boy to mom: Don’t hats come with a bunny?
Mom: He asked for money, not a bunny. He’s a panhandler, not a magician.
–Canal St station
Overheard by: Thumper
We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as “Found Art”
Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it’s entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know – for the time being I’m just referring to it as a Duchamp “readymade.” Ew! Don’t you call me bohemian!
–19th & 6th
Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he’s dead now.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.
–Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA
Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff – but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.
–20th & 5th
Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It’s not art if you can see his penis!
–Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Isn’t This an at-Home Conversation?
Little girl, squeezing mom’s breast: Mom, what are these for?
Mom: Shhh…
Little girl: Mom, did I suck on them when I was littler?
Mom: Shhh…
Little girl: You know, Mom, like a cow? [Bends over and pretends to drink.]Mom: Like a cow?
Little girl: Yeah, did I milk you like a cow?
–N train
Wednesday One-Liners Say “Toro, Toro, Taxi!”
Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don’t want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!
–17th & Irving
(pedestrians are crossing when they aren’t supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: momes
Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car!
–Jerry Orbach St
Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I’ma getting hit by a car, I’ma getting hit by a nice car.
–Broadway & Houston
Tourist driving car: I don’t give a fuck if you own the world! I’m running your ass over!
–Financial District
Overheard by: lex
The Extra Dollar Is for the Convenience of Being Able to Wrap Gifts Right Here on the J Train
Older boy: We are selling wrapping paper to raise money for our trip. You can buy a roll for two bucks.
Younger boy: But you can go to the store and buy that paper for one dollar.
Older boy: Why you hatin’?! Why you hatin’?!
–42nd & 6th
Overheard by: John B
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing
Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ‚and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.
–FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: amused tourist
Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.
–Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Suriya
Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!
–72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: C. Gray
Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!
–125th & Broadway
Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?
–2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!
–11th & University
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
The Janitor Should Get to It in a Couple of Days
Younger kid: Damn, look at all the puddles of water in here.
Older kid: Look like hurricane Katrina hit this bitch.
(younger kid laughs)
Older kid: Niggas from New Orleans swimmin in the water and shit.
–Macy’s Bathroom
Overheard by: Anon
The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves
20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.
–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch
Overheard by: Kelli Jo
Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.
–7th Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…
Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!
–4 Train
Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.
–Kent Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Trekkie
Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.
–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)
–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens
Men Cast Off Women Like Empty Seed Pods
Girl: So how’s your cougar?
Guy: She’s good.
Girl: What is she, 50?
Guy: 52.
Girl: And you’re…32?
Guy: 34.
Girl: She ever been married?
Guy: Divorced. That’s how I got right in there.
Girl: So is this, like, something serious? Like a forever thing?
Guy: No! I mean, I want kids, and she keeps getting these heat flashes. You know?
–L Train
