Names

Wednesday One-Liners Tend to Ramble On

Old man at the bar: Everyday that I wake up and see that my name isn’t in the obituaries is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Older woman, to friend: Then we’re going to have to do the suntan lotion thing, and that’s going to be a nightmare.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old people on this train. I bet they’re all wishing they were our age again. Suckers!

–N Train

Overheard by: Hannah

Old lady, to man playing steel drums as she dances along to the music: Shalom! That was awesome, my man!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Elderly woman to elderly friends: So then Andy comes down in his bikini, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old lady looking into fancy cafe: Another shithole!

–74th near Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Old lady: Geraldine, do you want to come up later and play… With my wireless router!

–Clark & Herny

Overheard by: Lacy

Okay, Now Let's Try the Kit-Kat Song

Woman looking for friend who got lost in massive crowd: Marco! Marco!
Massive crowd of people: Polo!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Julia

Guys, He Was Speaking Literally

Pregnant woman: Can I cut in front of you, it’s an emergency?
Unpregnant man: Yeah no problem, but you better name that shit after me.

–Famiglia, 8th & Broadway

I Love Them As Though They Were My Natural Breasts

Loud chick #1: So, they instituted a dress code for the entire office because, like, one woman walks around with these low-cut blouses with her girls out.
Loud chick #2: Are yours girls? Mine are boys. One’s named Lou* and the other’s named Stan*.

–A train

Overheard by: aja

The Muslim World Is Still Pissed at Him

Middle-aged woman: I think her name was something like… Something like Charlemagne.
Barnard girl: You mean Chante?
Middle-aged woman: I was close! I was close!
Barnard girl: Yeah, I think Charlemagne was someone completely different.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Miss Bonaparte

You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.

–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!

–Bus, between 77th & 76th

Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broadway

Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.

–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St

Overheard by: dues

Make That Flapjack Nice and Sticky

Guy #1: Yeah man, she’s kind of a hippie. I mean, her name is Maple.
Guy #2: Maple? You should tap that shit.

–3rd Avenue & 11th Street

Overheard by: thejosh

Raise Your Hand If Your Mom Misinformed You More Than Once

Little girl in stroller, pointing to fossil in subway wall: Look! A skeleton fish!
Mother: And what's another name for a skeleton fish? (pause) A dinosaur!

–C Train

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

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