Relationships

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Eryn

NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.

–Starbucks

I Had Difficulty Getting Him to Salute

College girl #1: Last night was amazing.
College girl #2: With the three West Point guys?
College girl #1: Yeah. When I got back to my room they were all passed out there. The one who was rolled in puke was in my bed. I wish more nights were like that.

–Columbia University

What’s Bad Is That You Don’t Know

Guy: Do you think it’s… bad… that I think I’m going out… with him?
Gal friends, unconvincingly: No, no…

–H&M, Chelsea

Entire Websites Are Founded on That Premise

Dude #1: Well, listen, dude — there are many correct decisions you can make.
Dude #2: Yeah, but I want to make the right one!
Dude #1: I know. I mean, there are two issues. There’s the cheating thing, which could, you know, really make her lose it, and there’s breaking up with her when you go to Chile.
Dude #2: Yeah, at this point I feel like it’s right to not tell her about the cheating. I mean, I’m a selfish person, and she knew that when we started dating.
Dude #1: Yeah, I mean, you are looking to emanate as much guilt as possible, and if you keep that to yourself, you don’t have to worry about it.
Dude #2: Listen, I’m trying to emanate as much guilt as I can, but it’s still tough. I just feel like she is so into me, and I mean, I think she’s attractive, but on the other hand, I have dated more attractive girls.
Dude #1: Listen, man, you have to take care of yourself. That’s always the right decision.
Dude #2: Well, I really worry about the cheating thing getting back to her.
Dude #1: Listen, dude, in the age of Facebook, nothing is private.
Dude #2, resigned: Totally.

–7th Ave, between 36th & 37th

From My Big Book of Imaginary Obstacles

Man: The last time I saw you it was cold, and now it’s warm.
Woman: I know.
Man: I just don’t know when to call you. I’m afraid that if I call you and you pick up when your husband is there, then we won’t be able to talk.

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Appaled

I Had to Leave a Message She and Her Girlfriends Could Analyze

Dude #1 on cell: I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I love you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It will never happen again. What else can I say? [Hags up.]Dude #2: Damage control?
Dude #1: Damage control.

–Waiting for elevator, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: TrenchCoat

Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen

Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad’s kind of hard…
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they’ve both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!

–155th & Broadway

Like Tell It about My Wife and Kids

Boyfriend, looking at body pillow: Aw, man! I should totally get this!
Girlfriend: Why would you get that? We’re moving in together in like a year. We’ll be sharing a bed with each other.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but I can do things to this pillow that I can’t do to you!

–Target, Queens Center Mall

Funny, I Thought It Was Kiss-Off Time

Girl #1: I see them. They’re waiting for us. Do you think they can see us?
Girl #2: Oh, no, he’s calling me! What do I do? I’m not answering. Let’s just wait for them to leave.
Girl #3: Didn’t he say there was going to be a group of them? There’s only three.
Girl #2: I know! And his friend isn’t even there. He said he was coming. He said he was going to give my number to his friend, too. He totally scumbagged him! We’re not going over there.
Girl #1: At least we are warm.
Girl #2: They’re wearing khakis. This guy is so sneaky.
Girl #3: They’re coming this way!
Girl #1: They’re coming in!
Girl #2: Oh, shit! What do I do?! This guy is such a loser. I know it’s mean, but what he’s doing is f’ed up. His friend was standing there when I gave my number. He was really cute and funny. [Ducks as guys enter.]Girl #1, whispering: They’re headed over here.
Girl #2: Hey! How are you? We were just on our way over!
Creepy guy: Hey, thought you weren’t coming. It’s hug time! Get over here!

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: L.C.

The Lindsay Lohan/Hillary Duff Feud: Explained

Teen girl #1: See, this is why we can’t be friends.
Teen girl #2: What? We can’t be friends because I won’t join you in an orgy.
Teen girl #1: Yes, exactly.

–74th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dani

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