Relationships

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

“Kobe” Something?

Girl #1: So, I just met this guy… And we, like, totally connected! I mean, I could tell him everything, and it felt like we belonged together, you know?
Girl #2: Dude… You’re 14 — you’re not supposed to find a guy that’s husband material! Get a grip! By the way, what’s his name?
Girl #1: [Silence.]

–UES

Overheard by: Lina

I Wanna Talk about the Girl in My Building

Guy #1: Dude, you know what I realized? I really miss Allison*.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Like, we talk on IM, but I haven’t seen her since the summer, and I was just such a dick at the end, y’know?
Guy #2: Yeah…
Guy #1: I told her we should hang out over break.
Guy #2: Yeah… You wanna get a beer?
Guy #1: Are you even listening?
Guy #2: Yeah. Hey, you want Thai?
Guy #1: Unbelievable. Next time you come crying to me about how the girl in your building has a boyfriend, I’m gonna hang up on you.
Guy #1: This might be the gayest conversation we’ve ever had.
Guy #2: Agreed. Can we go Saki-bombing?

–49th St

If It Were Real Love, She’d Be in His Top 8

Thug #1: Did you know her before?
Thug #2: That’s the thing — I just friend-requested her on MySpace the day before the party.
Thug #1 and #3, in unison: True love, nigga.

–McDonald’s, 33rd & 7th

When I Have a Few Spare Minutes

Girl: So, what? You just, like, wait around to pick up Barnard girls?
Guy: Well… Yeah.

–1 train

Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce

Girl to friend: Yeah, so when he enlisted, he totally asked me to marry him and was like, ‘I’ll get more money so I can send it to you, and if you really want to get married to someone else some day, then we can get divorced’! And he, like, was totally sincere about it. It was so sweet.

–E 49th & 5th

Overheard by: karen

Young suit: You can’t break up with me just because I married her while we’re engaged! It’s not like I love her or anything… Like you’ve never married anyone for a green card!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: cd

Man on cell: Hello? Hello? Hey, is that you, Brenda*? Yeah, yeah, it’s me, Mikey*. Say, how you been doin’? Listen, you still married? You happily married? [Long pause.] Oh. Okay, listen, gotta run. You take care of yourself!

–54th & 7th

Woman on cell: If only they made penis-shaped wedding tuxes.

–Victoria’s Secret, Chelsea

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor, on Dido and Aeneas’ relationship in The Aeneid: Fucking in a cave does not equal marriage!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: loving her lit lecture

30-something strolling down street, to himself: Oh, shit, I forgot my wife.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kat

I Was Like, “I’m Telling Mom!”

Girl #1: So, did I tell you that he called me his girlfriend?
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, it was like this Freudian slip thing, I’m pretty sure.

–W 4th St

Overheard by: Peter H

Can’t We Just Walk in Angry Silence Like a Straight Couple?

Queer #1: Do you love me?
Queer #2, holding his hand: No.
Queer #1: Then why are you holding my hand?
Queer #2: ‘Cause that’s what we’re supposed to do in public!

–The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Eryn

NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.

–Starbucks

I Had Difficulty Getting Him to Salute

College girl #1: Last night was amazing.
College girl #2: With the three West Point guys?
College girl #1: Yeah. When I got back to my room they were all passed out there. The one who was rolled in puke was in my bed. I wish more nights were like that.

–Columbia University

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