Students

I Don’t Forgive Mel, and I Don’t Forgive You

College stoner: Wouldn’t it be awesome if, instead of being Oedipus’s mother, Jocasta was Wal-Mart or some other embodiment of the commercial-industrial complex? And, instead of blinding himself with his mother-wife’s brooches, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with his name tag pin? Like, I wonder what that all would mean, dude. You ever think about that?
Studious black friend: Wow. Pretentious much? Or are you just hashed right now?
College stoner: Hashed, man. Totally. What were we talking about, again? Oh, yeah!

–The Strand, Union Square

Overheard by: neongensis

Only If There’s Scratching and Hair-Pulling in the Dramatic Re-Enactment

Teacher: … And you’ll finish up the unit on slavery with a project about a historical figure in the slavery era.
7th grader: Can I do mine on Thomas Jefferson’s baby’s mama?

–University Neighborhood Middle School

Tell Us All about It, Dear

Professor: So, what did you all think of the Bodies Exhibit? Is there any part of the human anatomy you think you’d change if you had the chance?
Hipster guy: I’d get rid of nipples on guys. They’re kind of pointless.
Professor: That’s true. Although some men have very sensitive bosoms and enjoy being touched there. Have any of you ever been with a man who had a sensitive bosom? [One student awkwardly raises her hand.]

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

That’s Also a Preview of My Valedictory Address

Teacher: Ben, you got a six out of ten. That’s not great.
Ben: Mr. L*, I’m gonna tell you my life motto. It is, ‘If you push me over the edge, I will grab you by the neck and pull you down with me… And then push you into Hell.’

–Bronx Science

Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.

Student #1: When you walk through Chinatown, they push and shove right through you!
Student #2: Yeah, but you can’t get mad at them, because they do it to each other. It’s, like, cultural. [Students look over at a woman as she gets elbowed in the face by an old Asian man when he rubs his eye.]Student #1: Cultural… Cultural…

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Best. Honors Project. Ever.

Health student #1: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation to increase the population of the younger generation. I got this information from the board of education…
Health student #2: No, it should go like this: It’s a man’s obligation to stick his cockulation into a women’s ventilation to increase the population of the younger generation of our nation. I got this information from the board of education. If you want a demonstration, lie down.

–Middle school, Manhattan

Overheard by: Nathan Red

Judging from the Way You’re Licking That Protractor

Student: Um, sir, don’t you have to divide through by X?
Elderly math teacher: I have no idea what you just said, but I’m sure it was provocative.

–Stuyvesant High

Fine, Fine — Shall We Review Sins of the Flesh?

Overly energetic theology professor: Now, let’s talk about the apocalypse!
Several un-enthused students: Yay…

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Save That for Your Term Papers

English teacher: Midas wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. What did he touch?
Student: His stuff…?
English teacher: Let’s not even go there.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Not on a Full Stomach

Law gal #1: This is more pointless than giving a butt-ugly girl a nice haircut.
Law gal #2: Hey, a nice haircut helps.
Law gal #1: Have you looked at me lately?

–NYU Law Courtyard

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