Students

Chick: I’m afraid of birds, so I go to the bird store next door to sort of get over it, you know? So I was down there today and there was this lady there who owns one of the birds, and she was saying how it bit her in the lip, and she lost feeling in her finger. That makes me think…they really are evil!

–Office, E. 33rd Street

Man on cell: Hello. Yes, this is the squirrel from the park. Please
come back to the park, I’m not in the park but I’ll be there soon.

–23rd & 6th

College girl: I always associate double-parking with shrimp.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Andrea Natalie Goldstein

Hispanic girl: Yo, butterflies is scary!

–B train

College girl: Yeah, my mom was watching this commercial about kitty litter where there was this cat who said, “Yeah, and then they go and do the thing…” Wait. I mean, that’s not what the cat said. I’m just paraphrasing.

–Starbucks, 67th & Columbus

College girl #1: Ooh, bubble tea. I’ve never tried that. I see signs for it everywhere.
College girl #2: I think it’s chai tea but with little balls of tapioca.
College girl #1: Like tapioca pudding kind of tapioca?
College girl #2: No, like…they’re bigger. They’re blobs and they’re kind of black.
College girl #1: No way.
College girl #2: Yes way. Someone at school dumped their leftover bubble tea in the toilet on the first floor of my building, and they didn’t flush.
College girl #1: So that’s how you knew the balls, the blobs, were black?
College girl #2: Well, yeah. It looked like an octopus had a miscarriage.

–44th between 7th & 8th

Girl #1: What’s wrong with you?
Girl #2: I am pissed at my roommate.
Girl #1: Why this time?
Girl #2: He had the nerve to wear my wig on a date again and when I asked him about it, the asshole lied.
Girl #1: How did you know he wore it?
Girl #2: It smelled like beer, cigarettes, and AnalEase again.

–6 train

Overheard by: Casey McKendrick

HS Girl #1: I’ve never heard of Latvia.
HS Girl #2: I’ve heard of it; I just don’t think it’s a real place.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: andersonsmitty

Professor: What is significant about the character’s reaction?
Chick: Well, you can tell he’s scared because he’s really pale.
Professor: …what do you mean, he’s pale? It’s a black and white film, they’re all pale.

–New School film class

Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass.

–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street

Overheard by: catherine

Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass!

–1 train

Overheard by: Alex Valentine

NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to.

–Silver Building, Waverly Place

Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?”

–55th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Daniel

Professor: Does anyone know the significance of Plato?
Girl #1: Wasn’t he a writer?
Girl #2: No, that was Plateau.

–LaGuardia Community College

Bronx Science boy: I have pixie sticks.
Bronx Science girl: I love pixie sticks. Have you ever tried to snort them?
Bronx Science boy: Yeah, once I snorted a lot because I wanted to get high and my nose started gushing blood.

–1/9 train

Overheard by: chella

Juilliard guy: Why does everyone at Juilliard have to be so deep? I mean, we’re in class and the professor puts a box in the middle of the room and everyone starts in, “Oh, that represents my soul!” or “Oh, that is the heavens opening up to take me in!” No man, that’s just a damn box! All that represents to me is a damn box. Everyone needs to get over themselves at this damn school…

–Juilliard elevator

JHS girl #1: Bitch, I will beat your ass!
JHS girl #2: I’ll beat your mother’s ass!
JHS boy: Y’all two are making my dick hurt.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Gus Colletti