Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no… Like, I’m pretty convinced that Patrick* is, like, totally gay. Well, because when we, like, dated, he would always want to go shopping and take, like, the longest time, like always studying how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend ended up being, like, uber-gay, and like, he would always say, like, random shit like, ‘Y’know, like, people you don’t even, like, know could be gay.’ I’d be like, ‘O‑M-G — what?!’ And, like, the entire time we went out, we only had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my virginity… No, I didn’t consider it the official, like, time I actually lost my V‑card because he couldn’t even, like, get it up… No, we were not drunk! I’m not like that big of a slut… Or at least, I wasn’t then.

–Chelsea