Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners

Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies… They're all Ricky Martin!

–Outside Nightcaps, Midwood

Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody.

–Lesbian Bar, Park Slope

Overheard by: gvw

Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world!

–Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ken Thompson

Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Overheard by: MeiLi

Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it–please burn me.

–Astoria, 21st St

Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything…

–Union Square

Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die!

–Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn