Wednesday One-Liners, Dearest

Lady to girlfriend: Your mother is gross. Two hundred dollars for one concert, four hundred dollars for another… This is why your family don’t have Christmas!

–Marshall’s, 125th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman leading little girl off subway: Don’t worry, Mommy’s pushing all these people out of our way.

–Times Square

Overheard by: sgeness

Father to son: You need to go away from home. When you go to college, or if you choose to go to boarding school, you need to go away — minimum of four hundred miles. And you should go away not just for the sake of going away — you need to get away from your mother.

–Central Park

Tween girl: My mama tried to kill me once, too, but I hit her in the head with a spoon.

–Donnell Public Library

Professor: The set design in Mary Poppins — since it is for children, nothing can be construed as sexual. It is for children before they start thinking of their mothers as sexual creatures… Boy, I’m not sending my mother this week’s lecture podcast.

–Columbia University

Big sis: Don’t be a failure and disappoint Mom!

–Line for American Girl movie auditions, 50th & 5th

Overheard by: slohmie

Ghetto chick on cell: So, yeah, yo — my mother got married this weekend. I don’t know who she married, but she got married this weekend, yo.

–Macy’s

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Smarter Than Paris Hilton

Yuppie chick on cell: Yeah, she’s going to Paris. Did you also know that she’s retarded?

–Park Row Building

Overheard by: City Hall

Male actor: Personally, I don’t care much for movies about retarded people.

–Broadway & Spring

Fiancé mashing up dog food: There are certain jobs I think retarded people would love to do…

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Baffled fiancée

Sweet chick: If you want to see me cry, show me retarded kids playing sports — that gets me every time.

–Restaurant

Biotech on cell: I mean, he just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re going to be retarded, at least be consistently retarded.

–115th & Broadway

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Watch Too Much E!

Dad: Son, I gotta ask — do you think George Lucas has your best interests at heart?

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Shona Riddell

Fat eight-year-old boy with lisp: … And that’s why I’m starting a petition to get Don Imus back on the air.

–Times Square

30-something jumping up and down: Oh my god! Leonardo DiCaprio totally just made eye contact with me!

—The Gardener of Eden premier, Tribeca Film Festival

Overheard by: And omigod, I totally just saw his hair!

Hipster: So, this girl came up to us and asked us if we were art fags. Anyway, long story short, I had sex with her in Richard Gere’s rooftop Zen garden.

–Union Square

Pooper on cell: You like Rosie O’Donnell and listen to Madonna — I know what you are… I really do love my wife, and I love your dick, too, but I hate it when it squirts at me.

–Restroom, Radisson Hotel, 32nd St

Overheard by: j

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Extradited Wednesday One-Liners

Student: … And in Soviet Russia, penis sucks you.

–Stuyvesant High

Conductor: This is Prospect Park. Next stop: Cambodia. Cambodia is next.

–Q train

Overheard by: Lucas Krech

Dude on cell: Oh, I forgot to tell you — I was deported from Italy!

–JFK

History teacher: I’ve never been to Guatemala. Every time I try to go they have a revolution.

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: The nerve of those guys

Crazy guy ascending escalator, arms outstretched: Welcome to the United Nations!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Lizzy Fo Shizzy

Amateur foreign relations expert: You see, the Hutus and Tutsis in Rwanda — there’s a massacre I can respect.

–2 train, Chambers St

Overheard by: pumpkin

Creepy-laugh-guy: Hahaha. Well… I’d have to take you out of the country to do that.

–W 3rd & LaGuardia

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday Pick-Up-Liners

Creepy Casanova: Want to hear the worst pick up line ever? ‘Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?’

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Sassy Goldilocks: Honey, my porridge is juuust right.

–Karma bar

Overheard by: Nunez

Gym rat to gym bunny: Dude, sneezing is, like, the best feeling in the world, and the worst feeling is not sneezing.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Girl with slightly broader perspective on life

Hardhat to jogger chick: Man, I’ll buy you a steak dinner. I’ll even pay for it.

–13th & 3rd

Blonde chick: So, then he was like, ‘What side do you like to take it from, and, ummm, do you have herpes?’

–Kenmare & Lafayette

Girl on cell: Yeah, and so this really tall half-Indian guy in the subway goes to me, ‘I must say, those are beautiful flowers in your hair…’ Which basically means, ‘Those are beautiful tits on your chest,’ but it was still really sweet of him.

–Fashion Institute of Technology

Worst nerd-flirt ever: Have you ever had goats’ milk squirted in your eye? I have.

–NYU Health Center

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be Thought of As “Sexy”

Girl watching Oscars: Oh my god, I love Scorsese! He’s so cute. I just want to have him in my pocket.

–10th & 5th

Seven-year-old girl on cell: Oh my gosh, Carrie! In Macy’s my mom just bought me the cutest Coach bag and matching scarf!

–34th St

Overheard by: georgia

Teen girl: Dude, whatever… Some bums are really cute!

–10th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oliver

Latino goth muscle-man to girl: I know, but, like, spiritually? Emotionally? I have the cutest, pinkest little vagina [makes triangle formation with fingers over crotch]… And it’s tight.

–F train

Overheard by: meg

Dean of Students’ Services to third year student: You’d make a cute pregnant woman.

–Columbia Law School

Girl: I think having a cunt is cute!

–15th & 6th

Overheard by: Oh my

Posted on June 13, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Are Like Gay Church

20-ish guy to pal: I didn’t go to the gym today, and I feel so liberated!

–W 25th & 10th

Overheard by: Gerry Visco

Stylish guy on cell: Well, yeah, I’m completely insane, but I’m in great, great, great shape!

–Christopher & 7th

Overheard by: robadob

Russian thug: Man, I don’t know how I’m going to have enough energy for the gym and sex tonight!

–Subway, near Brighton Beach

Overheard by: lk!

Guido pointing to his wifebeater: These things only last you so long. First time, you know, you wear it to the club, it’s still tight and shit. Second time you wear it around the house. Third time, that’s when you wear it to the gym. Then you throw it out! Wear a new one back to the club!

–NYC gym

Personal trainer lady: I was up in Greenwich training Mary Tyler Moore… Yeah, she’s old, but rockin’ bod.

–Metro-North train, 125th St

Overheard by: DrJones

Smoker guy: We should train for the marathon!

–50th & 6th

Posted on June 6, 2007
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A Spew of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to girlfriend: I just threw up Captain Crunch for you! I just tossed some Rice Krispies!

–BED club

Overheard by: Vikas

Suit on cell: No, I didn’t say you vomited on your shoes, I said who vomited on your shoes!

–14th & 6th

JAP: Honestly, if I have to hear about one more candlelight vigil for Darfur I might throw up.

–8th & University

Girl to guy: Oh my god, I could totally throw up on you right now.

–Baruch College, 25th & Lex

Angry mom holding small plastic bag under small boy’s mouth: Vomit! Vomit! Vomit! Vomit!

–W 57trh St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Posted on June 6, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Get the Brushoff

Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: AmityAmity

Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.

–JetBlue flight 11

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Grace

Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meg

Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.

–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?

Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren Marks