Slutty girlfriend: You’re too thick for me to properly give you head, though.
Moron boyfriend: You callin’ me stupid?
–Fordham University
Archive for the ‘BJs’ Category
Just When You Thought It Wasn’t Possible for a Woman to Suck More Than Heidi Pratt…
Girl #1: I just put it in my mouth and sucked as hard as possible, like a vacuum…
Girl #2: That’s exactly what I did!
Girl #1: So when he got up, how did he walk?
Girl #2: He was all wobbly, kept saying “Thank you! Thank you, that’s never happened to me before.“
Girl #1: Alrightttt! Your new name is Hoover!
(they high five)
–Bay Plaza Hotel, The Bronx
Overheard by: must try that myself
…And Potentially Fuck You?
Skater: Come on. Hang out.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Fuck you! You’re a fag! You’d rather hang with your loser friends in this fucking rat hole? I would have fucked you, if you just came to Manhattan but…
Skater: C’mon hang. It’ll be cool.
Murray Hill-looking PR-type chick: Oh, fuck this. I’m taking this cab. Have fun sucking your buddy’s cock, asshole!
Skater, after watching her leave: Fucking bitch! (pauses, then asks perfect stranger) Hey, can I buy a cigarette from you?
–12th St & Bedford
A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond
Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it’s the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I’m not fishiverous!
–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria
Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood
Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?
–28th & 7th
Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: camillo cavour
Man to wife: That’s too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.
–East Village
Wednesday One-liners, the Morning After
Chick on cell: I just fell asleep! It’s not like I’m seeing other people.
–42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Cresny
Chick: You told me you was a celebrity! I sucked yo dick!
–Union Square
Chick: I’m no whore. I told him, the closest you’re getting to getting me from behind, you know, doggie style, is licking your own balls and humping my leg.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: stuck in great kills
A Page from Oh, the Places You’ll Blow!
Man on subway: Does this train go to 125th Street?
Woman: No. It’s going downtown.
Man on subway: Oh, shit. I gotta go to 125th Street and suck a dick to get some crack.
–1 Train
Just Two Cagneys, a Lacey and Three Kates
Security lady: …Oh, I know her. I heard she don’t have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh…nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin’ dick.
Guy: Heh, heh…yep.
Security lady: Bet that’s right up your alley, ain’t it?
Guy: I ain’t got no alleys.
–New York Public Library, West 53rd Street
So He’ll Get Off at the Next Stop
Kids break into the subway intercom.
Kid on intercom: Yo, this is the express train motherfucker. If you don’t like it, suck my dick.
College kid: This isn’t the express train.
–1 train, 86th st.
Overheard by: Mayor of Hartley
Also Because You’re Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates
Teenage boy #1: All I’m saying is it’s false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you’re a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You’re telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I’m a fag?
–The Loop, Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: octopus
Sweet or Salty?
Queer #1: I sucked you off and swallowed your cum!
Queer #2: Shh, not now, someone will hear.
Queer #1: No! No one is listening!
Girl next to them: Actually, I’m listening.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Carly
