Spare the Rod and Spoil the Wednesday One-Liners

Little boy, waiting in line to see “Bodies” exhibit: Are there gonna be rides?

–South Street Seaport

Little girl, playing with her inattentive mother’s cell: Nine… One…

–Atlantic Center, Brooklyn

Overheard by: wee e

Little girl, humming to herself: Cat cat dog, I am a tree! Eeeee! Minute Maid Coke, I am a poodle! Eeeee!

–Brooklyn bound Q train

Little boy: Eddie, I like that torture a lot!

–Dizzy’s, 9th St & 8th Ave, Park Slope

Little girl: Mom, I am highly disappointed in the construction.

–71st Rd, Forest Hills

3-year-old girl: Daddy, does this helmet make me look crazy?

–13th & University

Little boy: Simon says reach into everybody’s pants!

–Waiting room, Mt. Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: Jobee

Posted on August 2, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Hospitals, Kids, Lower Manhattan, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Queens, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Upper East Side, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

The Karma Police and the Poetic Justice Department Are Really Gonna Have It Out Over This Case

Mom: Honey, don’t go that far! You’re making me nervous!
Boy: Mom, I never get kidnapped! [Keeps walking away] God!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Cappy

Posted on August 1, 2006
Crime and Punishment, Kids, Lower Manhattan, Moms, Parks

Mr. Narcissus Kept Trying, Though

Drunken friend: That looks like the place to be! I’m going in that room.
Sober friend: Dude, that’s a mirror.

–Rivington & Clinton

Posted on July 29, 2006
Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Lower Manhattan, Stupidity

I Even Miss the Abortions

Late-20’s professional #1: Aw, I miss being a ho-bag.
Late-20’s professional #2: I know, me too. And I was so good at it!

–Starbucks, Broadway & Barclay

Overheard by: Sarah Vanderbilt

Posted on July 15, 2006
Lower Manhattan, Sex, Starbucks, Yuppies

Wednesday One-liners Cook the Afterbirth

Woman on cell: No, I mean, whatever. I cried for that baby when it died and all. Shit! I even went to its funeral and the damn thing wasn’t even born! Who the fuck has a funeral for a baby that wasn’t even born?…Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, I’m sure as hell not going to a birthday party for a baby whose funeral I went to a year ago. That is fucking morbid…and they had better not be expecting presents.

–14th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Laura Mathis

Girl on cell: Wait, was this the eating disorder cousin or the crack dealer cousin?…Oh, she’s having a baby? Wow, I hope it doesn’t die.

–Waverly & University

Asian chick: Like you’ve ever even seen a baby prostitute.

–56th between 5th & 6th

Guy: No, she was four months pregnant when I started dating her. But I certainly did bathe the baby in sperm!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue

Girl: I’m not sure, but we are thinking of putting the baby in the closet; it’s small but we can fit a crib in there and keep the door open.

–12th Street & 3rd Avenue

Teen girl: It was the saddest thing ever. It was almost as sad as watching a baby cough.

–F train

Overheard by: drewseph

Chick: Omigod, I totally want an Asian baby. Asians make the best mixers. Like vodka.

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: Uncle Jimmy

Posted on April 12, 2006
Babies, Death, Lower Manhattan, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Street, Women

The Maids Ain’t Milking Anymore

Businessman: Yeah, I had to fire like 8 people one Christmas eve.
Businesslady: Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

–Liberty & Nassau

Overheard by: Erika

Posted on December 24, 2005
Assholes, Bosses, Holidays, Jobs & Careers, Lower Manhattan

Then Beverly Cleary Bringing Up the Rear

Guy #1: Can you think of anyone who, in their prime, was hotter than Jessica Alba is right now?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah, totally. Like, Bridget Bardot, and Apollonia in Purple Rain.

–5th Avenue & 10th Street

Overheard by: Christina Walker

Posted on December 13, 2005
A-List, About Celebrities, B-List, Beauty, C-List, Guys, Lower Manhattan, Street

The Consignment Clothes Sure Add to the Look

Girl #1: Quick, we have to get that cab!
Girl #2: Omigod I can’t believe we’re running in public!
Girl #1: We’re so homeless!

–10th & Broadway

Posted on December 4, 2005
Girls, Lower Manhattan, Money & Class, Street

That’s Just Where His Ideas Went

Girl: When you were talking about Saddam Hussein, it reminded me of Osama bin Laden. Wasn’t he born here or something?
Professor lady: No…
Girl: Then he grew up here?
Professor: No…
College girl: Oh, right! He came here to go to an Ivy League, didn’t he?

–Tisch Hall, West 4th Street

Posted on November 28, 2005
Academics, Classroom, Girls, Iraq, Lower Manhattan, School, Students, Stupidity, Terrorism, Women

Lower Manhattan