Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: “I be trying” isn’t ungrammatical. It’s standard usage in African‐American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.

–A train

Professor guy: Okay everyone, I will see you in 3 weeks. Have a good Thanksgiving!
Girl #1: 3 weeks, that’s awesome!
Girl #2: I know…3 weeks, that’s like a month!!
Girl #1: Literally.

–Meyer Hall, Washington Place

Overheard by: pieces

Professor guy: What is “piecemeal legislation”?
Dude: Um…
Professor guy: Well, define the term “piecemeal”.
Dude: I’m not familiar with that word.
Professor guy: …Why don’t I just commit suicide right now?

–NYU, University & 8th

Overheard by: Leah Beirne 

Stanford admissions officer: You’ll need to submit either the act or the act as a part of your application.
Audience: (confused silence)
Audience member: You said “act” twice.
Stanford admissions officer: Sorry. Stanford will take your composite score from the act and break it down, looking at the individual components. If you choose to take the act with writing instead, we will look at your best composite score.
Kid, muttering to dad: Is this some kind of mind game?

–Morgan Stanley Headquarters, Stanford University Information Session

Overheard by: I swear I wasn’t mishearing him say

Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where–
Biotech, interrupting: –Look, I don’t have time to make up fake directions.

–W Broadway

Headline by: Trey Jackson

· “And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back” — Markle
· “And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won’t Give You Real Ones” — Yana
· “Mapquest’s Employee Of the Month” — Claire
· “Or The Knowledge for Real Ones” — DIck
· “So Take a Left Over There” — emily bess
· “Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You’re from Out Of Town.” — jnr

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Intellectual white guy: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
White hipster girl: Thanks! Did I mention I fucked a black guy last night?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: J Dizzle, attorney at large

Student: Now I don’t know if this is something I thought of or if Satan said it.
Professor: Actually I said it last class.

–Columbia lit class

Overheard by: I can see why you were confused

Girl #1: It’s not good to flush the toilet while you’re in the stall.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because then everything that’s in the toilet… jumps out.
Girl #2: Ewww.

–Ladies’ room, Columbia University

Professor guy: So I got one of those magnets for headaches, right? It works pretty good, except when I attach it to my steering wheel it changes the radio station every time I turn a corner.

–Fordham University elevator, Lincoln Center

Girl: When you were talking about Saddam Hussein, it reminded me of Osama bin Laden. Wasn’t he born here or something?
Professor lady: No…
Girl: Then he grew up here?
Professor: No…
College girl: Oh, right! He came here to go to an Ivy League, didn’t he?

–Tisch Hall, West 4th Street