Penis

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.

–4 train

Overheard by: Anna

Teen girl: It’s just… Even though he was fat, I liked him because of his personality. But once I actually saw his penis, or more like lack of a penis, that was just the last straw. I mean, you can be kinda fat with an awesome personality, but you’ve gotta have a good-sized dick, y’know?
Friend: Wait, you didn’t know he had a small dick until last week?!

–56th & 3rd

Overheard by: samantha

Guy #1, shouting: We’re in the Village!
Guy #2: The Village?
Guy #1: We’re in the Village!
Guy #2: Ok… The Village…
Guy #1: So if someone grabs your dick, you know what it means!

–West 4th St Station

Overheard by: DS

Girl: Did you know half the length of a guy's foot is the length of his penis?
Boy, observing inhumanly large feet: In that case, I think you won the lottery.

–Bard High School, Queens

Girl #1: I keep getting urinary tract infections.
Girl #2: Well, maybe he has a dirty penis.
Girl #1: No, I wash it for him in the shower.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Susan

Hipster girl #1: So basically he put his penis in your vagina, but you're too nervous to go on a date with him?
Hipster girl #2: Yep.
Hipster girl #1: Girl, you're fucked in the head.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Drunk black guy, to white couple: She don’t want your small white cock! She wants a big black cock, nine and a half inches!
White girl: Ewww! I hate black wiener.

–Hall & Myrtle, Clinton Hill

Overheard by: Luigi

Woman to man: I know! I don't fry anything. I don't even fry my food anymore.

–47th & 6th

Overheard by: A very disturbed Newsbunny

Old Jewish woman to husband holding restaurant leftovers: It's a sin to waste that food. You could send it to Israel!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: What a waste!

Preppy guy: At least *I'm* not the one molesting fictional cereal pitchmen.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl on cell, talking loudly: I don't know what I want, but whatever I want, I want French fries with it.

–John St

Preppy girl on cell: Do they study eggs? (pause) Eggs! (pause) Do they study eggs?

–Times Square

Female new student to boyfriend: You have to stop with this whole burrito-is-a-dick thing.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Catie

Drunk: If God didn’t want us to be gay, He wouldn’t have put our g-spot all the way up our ass!

–3rd Ave. between 11th & 12th

Overheard by: Zack

Fratboy: So if I tell her I wanna put my tongue up her ass, you think she’ll relate to me?

–1st Ave. & 10th St.

Overheard by: Sarah T.

Fiancee: OK, fine. You can have strippers at your bachelor party. But if I hear you stuck your dick in some nasty hooker’s ass, I’m never sucking it again.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Mad William Flint

Woman: Yeah, whatever, Mr. Doesn’t-Know-What-a-Suppository-Is!

–The Angelica, Houston Street

Goombah: Nah, nah, nah…I’d suck a guy’s dick balls deep, but I would never eat a man’s ass. That’s just gay.

–Williamsburg

Guy #1: Full disclosure: I've got a penis.
Guy #2: Oh… No worries, so do I.

–Launch Party of Transgendered Female-to-Male Magazine (Original Plumbing)