Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.
–84th & Broadway
Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.
–52nd & Lexington
Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.
–NYU classroom
Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.
–44th & 8th
Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.
–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope
Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate
Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!
–Times Square
Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.
–114th & Amsterdam
Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.
–Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Argopelter
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for "brighten up your day" train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in "money," the N as in "Nick," and the R as in "Romeoooooo!"
–D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in "David." D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in "Dustin Hoffman." He's that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that's in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He's a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That's you, bro!
–Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for "vagina". We're on the F. F for "fuck."
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like "Charlie" all weekend. The D train like "Dick" is helping us out. I probably shouldn't have said that. It's okay, you'll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
–A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Girl #1: I don’t think I can go down on him anymore. He’s got, like, BO down there.
Girl #2: What, like, funky?
Girl #1: No… like he never learned to wipe properly.
Girl #2: [Stunned silence.]Girl #1: I know.
–B train
Guy #1: Why is it so small?
Guy #2: That's what gugu said.
Guy #3: Excuse me, but what in the world is a gugu?
–Times Square
Thuggette: She just went in there to scoop her vagina out and then she came back.
–Hudson River Park
Teenage girl on cell: Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax for the first time yesterday. And now I'm afraid of the power of my own vagina.
–1 Train
Overheard by: westchester girl
Adorable little girl: I was born in 2002, from my mom's vagina.
–New York Harbor
Overheard by: Barry P.
Man to woman: Ohhhh, is she the one with maggots in her vagina?
–51st & 9th
Overheard by: Highstein
Chick on cell: Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. Or even better, in her vagina. (sarcastically) Ooh, penetration!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Very large black man: My penis' jus' as impo-tant as her vagina.
Small meek white man: (nods in agreement or fear)
–A Train
Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?
–The Loop, Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: octopus
Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Girl: Interesting…
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.
–Houston & Norfolk
Overheard by: David Byrne
Big Guido, yelling at female bystanders after minor traffic accident: Why don’t you shut the fuck up and get something to do… go suck a dick somewhere!
Woman bystander: Well, I’d suck you if you weren’t so small…
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: kerstin
Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.
Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!
–Canal St
Overheard by: Ashley
