Girl #1: If I was wearing a bikini right now, that’d be hot.
Girl #2: If I had a penis in me right now, that’d be hotter.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: gunstunna

Cashier #1, holding black deflated balloon‐thing: Dis thing don’t work, I been blowin’ it, but it don’t blow.
Cashier #2: It ain’t blow? You try to poke it? Wha’ happen when you pokin it ?
Cashier #1: I just been tryin’ to stick it in, and it ain’t work.

–Duane Ready

Overheard by: I Love Duane Reed

Girl #1: You said you wanted to castrate him…
Girl #2, interrupting: And force‐feed him his own dick. Yeah. I?m beyond that point now. I still want to castrate him, but I?ll just throw it away.

–Columbia University

Hipster girl: I haven’t seen any of your Facebook pictures, and I’ve been your friend for like a year!
Hipster boy: Really? You should.
Hipster girl: I’m checking them right now.
Hipster boy: Let me warn you, though — there are a lot of pictures of my penis on there.
Hipster girl: Oh, I’m used to that.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

13‐year‐old skateboarder to friends: Suck my dick!
Friend #1: I like you, you’re my friend, and I’ll invite you to my birthday party, but I won’t suck your dick.
Friend #2: You provoke me with your boner.

–A Train

Overheard by: devon

Guy #1: His schlong was so long!
Guy #2: Did you get HIV?
Guy #1: No, I tested myself. You stick the thing in your butt for, like, five minutes like a thermometer. It feels so good.

–Washington Square Park

Black dude, yelling: I suck dick! I suck dick! I suck dick!
Brassy white chick walking past: Whatta you want, a medal? I suck dick too.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Girl #1: Oh my god, I need something cold and sweet in my mouth, like, now! Like, a frozen sugared penis!
Girl #2: Oooh! With Splenda on it?!
Girl #1: Oh, no! I so do not eat that. Splenda is tested on animals!

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: SarahC

20‐something girl singing: Put your cock and balls in my mouth… La‐la‐la.
Boyfriend: What?
20‐something girl: I just think it would be fun.

–66th & 3rd

Overheard by: I wish

Cabbie: So, uh, you hear about the double team? The, uh, Democrats?
Passenger: Oh, so Democrats got the Senate, too?
Cabbie: Yes! It’s like a twelve‐inch penis!

–Northbound 1st Ave from Delancey

Overheard by: dumbstruck passengers