Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Fear the Silence

Angry woman on cell: How did you get this number? This is my personal cell phone number and I won’t be having these kinds of calls coming in under any circumstances! No! Absolutel– How high would the credit limit be if I activated this card? … No! I don’t take these kinds of calls!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Kory

Conductor: All passengers please have your tickets out, and for those passengers with cell phones, please remember to use your inner voice when using them.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Listening to my inner-voices

Loud black guy on cell: Yeah, man, I’ll be there later, yo. No doubt, son… Yeah, word, you heard what happen to– [Cell phone rings and everyone stares at him.]

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Hugh

Coworker: My phone’s lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: I am large, I contain multitudes

Kid wandering around on cell, suddenly covering phone with hand: I don’t even know who I’m talking to! [He goes back to talking on the phone.]

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Gettin’ Any

Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?

–New York Aquarium, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tracy Fish

Early 20’s chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van: I wouldn’t even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!

–1st & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alison

Woman to friend: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn’t give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Aaron A

Meathead on cell: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.

–Canal & Broadway

Professor: I don’t understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?

–Classroom, FIT

Guy: So what you sayin’? I can’t have sex with you anymore?

–10th & University

Overheard by: Priska Neely

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A

Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Kosher

Lady yuppie: I’m going to be in Williamsburg in half an hour. There’s a pig I need to buy. Wanna get a drink?

–12th St & 7th Ave

Fancy lady on cell: Hey, Andrea, it’s me. Just wanted to see how you were doing… And if you got a new pig… Call me back!

–4th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: queemy’s mommy

Drunk guy: I basically had pigs eating shit out of my ass!

–4th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-liners Drop Names

Chick: Amerigo Vespucci was a cartographer, you whore!

–14th & B

Overheard by: Djlindee

Man on cell: She has a Waldorfian obsession with keeping children warm. I mean, kids are raised in Norway and Iceland all the time and have nice rosy cheeks.

–Washington Mutual kiosk, Canal Street

Black kid: …yeah, I like Black Rob, but he be using big words…like society.

–1 train

Chick: Everyone thinks Mary’s such a goody-goody…but she won second place in the deep throat contest.

–Washington & Gansevoort

Wednesday One-Liners Gone Wild

College-aged girl, to her friends: We have to make out tonight. And we have to get it on camera.

–Ave A

Overheard by: damnitanyway

Yuppie girl: I felt so uncomfortable so, like, I had to get wasted.

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Corbin

18-year-old Asian girl: My parents just don’t know me anymore, you know? I’ve changed my last year in New York, you know? Like, I’ve had sex with a lot of people.

–Food Emporium, 50th & 8th

Girl in red leather pants, on cell: Yeah, but you have to bring a leather outfit, otherwise you won’t get any clients. Everyone there is a biker or otherwise they are latex fetishists.

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: ejuliast

Girl: I used to have two vibrators, but I broke ’em both.

–14th St

Trendy girl on cell: Yeah, so Long Islanders will be there. You know what that means: debauchery…and danger!

–41st & Lex

Girl: He had the nerve to tell me that I had no life. I was like, “I do too have a life! I am drinking constantly!”

—Petite Abeille, Tribeca

Let’s Get It On, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: She is worse than blow, man…I can never have sex with anyone else ever again now that I’ve had a taste of paradise.

–Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So how come you never told me about this other girl you are dating? She’s from work? You have to tell me these things! You can’t just keep this shit from me…wait, so you just fucked her and now it’s over? That’s how it is? Why are you telling me this? You can’t just tell me this!

–Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Douglas Dukeman

Chick on cell: I swear to you, Matt was an animal in bed last night, but Kelly was much better.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Sophia

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Shit but Hos and Tricks

Queer: If a song starts with, ‘It’s Britney, bitch!’ you kind of expect it to be good!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Um, You do?

Girl: Why you call me a bitch? I’m Nigerian!

–NYU bus

Overheard by: sjhaughty

Thug on cell: You a bitch! You afraid to shower!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Brian Libido

Three-year-old WASP, entering room: Welcome to this bitch!

–Supercuts, St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Leo

Kid running ahead of exhausted mom: Run, bitch! Run!

–Prince St & W Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have Rum in Their Sippy Cups

Excited 50-ish dad to toddler: Come over here, Jameson! Hey, Jameson, we’re going to go get some beer! C’mon!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Late-20s chick to 10-year-old girl: You really shouldn’t be drinking…

–74th & Broadway

Eight-year-old boy to older brother: This lemonade smells like alcohol. It has an alcoholic after-taste. Yum!

–TGI Fridays, 54th & Lex

Man to wife: There is nothing funnier than a drunken two-year-old.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Lee Harvey

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.

–W 114th St

Overheard by: arthur digby sellars

Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? … That’s not a suicide pact, Dad, it’s a murder-suicide.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ian

Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let’s hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!

–Henderson Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!

–Chiropracter’s office

Overheard by: sara n.

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