Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches

20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Bimbette on cell: … So I got downstairs and realized I wasn’t wearing pants!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: yeah happens all the time

Old lady to teen boy: … And so you wear girl pants?!

–10th & 5th

Overheard by: Steph

20-ish chick to dad: I don’t have Alzheimer’s — I just wear the pants.

–Schubert Alley

Overheard by: Kerry

Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, ‘Could I have two dollars for a metro card?’ And that’s how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that’s how she bought a new pair of pants, but I’m pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants… But it was for bud.

–Manhattan-bound R train

Overheard by: Maggie

Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too — into your pants! Okay, that was childish.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Your Complexion

Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dude on cell: … Because I’m a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.

–Soho

Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, ‘Suck my cum for five dollars,’ and I was like…

–St. Mark’s & Broadway

Overheard by: Stilettofem

Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Meister

Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Drunk British chick: She clucked and mooed, so I said twelve.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sam Jerman

Guy on cell: Did you know that one out of six people with scoliosis die every day? Yeah, I know… Ha! No, I’m just kidding. I made that up.

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Dude to chick: On a scale from one to cookie… you’re a seven.

–Central Park

Loud lady: I mean, how many times did I have my head between Greg’s legs? Only 12 or 13 times! Not that many times.

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: tmoney

Black teen to his friends: Yo, I read the Bible nine times, and that shit contradicted itself like a motherfucker!

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria

Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?

Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they’re making us start again in elementary ’cause we can’t write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.

–Midtown Direct NJ Transit

Guy on cell: … Virtual strumpet.

–E 34th St

Overheard by: Krisztina

Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel… My apartment is not a brothel.

–Tompkins Square Park

Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they’re not prostitutes, they’re just Italian.

–Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

–2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Overheard by: Skyler Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Stomach Humble Pie

Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.

–Lower East Side

30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone’s name.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: acep

20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators — I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I’m really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]

–AMA Building, 48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Heather

Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!

–R train

Overheard by: peace out, your highness

Wednesday One-Liners Fear the Silence

Angry woman on cell: How did you get this number? This is my personal cell phone number and I won’t be having these kinds of calls coming in under any circumstances! No! Absolutel– How high would the credit limit be if I activated this card? … No! I don’t take these kinds of calls!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Kory

Conductor: All passengers please have your tickets out, and for those passengers with cell phones, please remember to use your inner voice when using them.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Listening to my inner-voices

Loud black guy on cell: Yeah, man, I’ll be there later, yo. No doubt, son… Yeah, word, you heard what happen to– [Cell phone rings and everyone stares at him.]

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Hugh

Coworker: My phone’s lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: I am large, I contain multitudes

Kid wandering around on cell, suddenly covering phone with hand: I don’t even know who I’m talking to! [He goes back to talking on the phone.]

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Gettin’ Any

Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?

–New York Aquarium, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tracy Fish

Early 20’s chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van: I wouldn’t even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!

–1st & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alison

Woman to friend: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn’t give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Aaron A

Meathead on cell: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.

–Canal & Broadway

Professor: I don’t understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?

–Classroom, FIT

Guy: So what you sayin’? I can’t have sex with you anymore?

–10th & University

Overheard by: Priska Neely

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A

Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Kosher

Lady yuppie: I’m going to be in Williamsburg in half an hour. There’s a pig I need to buy. Wanna get a drink?

–12th St & 7th Ave

Fancy lady on cell: Hey, Andrea, it’s me. Just wanted to see how you were doing… And if you got a new pig… Call me back!

–4th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: queemy’s mommy

Drunk guy: I basically had pigs eating shit out of my ass!

–4th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-liners Drop Names

Chick: Amerigo Vespucci was a cartographer, you whore!

–14th & B

Overheard by: Djlindee

Man on cell: She has a Waldorfian obsession with keeping children warm. I mean, kids are raised in Norway and Iceland all the time and have nice rosy cheeks.

–Washington Mutual kiosk, Canal Street

Black kid: …yeah, I like Black Rob, but he be using big words…like society.

–1 train

Chick: Everyone thinks Mary’s such a goody-goody…but she won second place in the deep throat contest.

–Washington & Gansevoort

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