Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs.
–205 & Reservoir, the Bronx
Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car!
–4th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: benjamen walker
Girl on cell: I don’t care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin’ all I want.
–35th St & 23rd Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Rick Adams
Little girl to people waiting to board plane: You want a grandma? We have hundreds of grandmas here.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: detective olivia benson
Grandma, about child running with others: He runs faster than… than a little shit.
–Alice in Wonderland Statue, Central Park
Mom to kid: Do you know that purse I stole from Grandma? Hide it. She’s coming over.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jeff
Grandma: If I was 50, boy, I’d be nifty. [Granddaughter stares blankly.] Yeah, if I was 50, I’d wear a leather bustiere.
–C train
Woman on payphone: I don’t care if Johnny was fucking his cousin, that don’t give you the right to steal your grandma’s credit cards!
–125th & Lex
Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, ‘Do you want to lick it?’?!
–Churrascaria Plataforma
Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.
–DiFara’s Pizzeria
Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He’s so hot… I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina…
–Stage door of Golden Theatre
Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia
Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!
–L train
Overheard by: how many hot dogs?
Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people’s eyeballs?
–17th Ave, Brooklyn
Thug: Why da hell should we tip her? We didn’t get nuthin fo’ free!
–Bubba Gumps
Overheard by: Gregorio
Man, reading newspaper: It’s the best kind of abuse! Free abuse!
–D train, 47th St
Overheard by: can i have some free abuse?
Girl: People are eating corn like it’s free out here!
–Union Square Farmer’s Market
Overheard by: Thompson
AM New York hawker on rainy day: Free paper! C’mon, free paper! Put it over your head!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Ben
Newspaper guy: Get your free Daily News. Find out why Whitney’s back on crack. Free Daily News!
–59th St subway
Overheard by: MRP
Man: It was a gigantic free cupcake. I think that if I didn’t take it, then thirty years from now, I’d feel stupid.
–Office, Broadway & 55th St
Overheard by: Paul
Guy: I need a deserted island. A free one!
–6th Ave & Waverly Place
Overheard by: Jim G
Dude: My navel smells like fish.
–138th & Convent Ave
Overheard by: The City Planner
Thug: Yo, any saltwater fish — mad high maintenance!
–N train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Chick on cell: I mean, I don’t understand why he couldn’t just be supportive and eat the trout!
–83rd & 2nd
Dude, if I had gills, that’d be great. I’d be banging tons of mermaids.
–34th & Park
Man to female walking companion: We have so much in common! Do you also think that scallions are seafood?
–Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Rachel
Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights… Men in tights… I don’t know what the movie is about, but I like the title.
–Middle school, Park Slope
Angry dude: I can’t believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who’d let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can’t get this one fucking movie!
–St. Mark’s Pl
Hipster: I’m sorry, but there’s just never going to be a movie starring a midget.
–14th & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent
Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.
–R train
Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.
–IMAX Theater
Overheard by: I don’t think it would be…
Black guy: I ain’t saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch.
–82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Rick Segall
Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me…I mean, she’s ugly but it’s good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex.
–Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Sarah C
Jamaican lady: We don’t fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love.
–Washington Heights
Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!…Well was she any good?…Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick?
–Times Square
Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go…I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I’d have a date for Saturday.
–Union Squre theatre
Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn’t work out.
–Wall Street
Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC
Tourist: What’s that entrance right over there… Where it says, ‘Exit’?
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Ms. Dubs
Man to wife and children: I don’t know why you’re following me! I have no clue where I’m going!
–Rockefeller Center
Drunk male tourist: What time does Times Square close?
–Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Southern tourist dad: ‘Papa Yaking’? What in the hell kinda crazy Jewish name is that?
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Fat Southern lady with teal leggings standing beside fat man with large rodeo belt buckle and USS Nimitz hat to security guard: We’re tourists…
–MoMA
Overheard by: Daniel B
Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don’t bring your wife. She’s a bitch.
–42nd & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Maria
Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That’s some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.
–Lafayette & Broadway
Queer: That bitch called me and was like, ‘I swallowed a bunch of pills.’ And I’m like, ‘Obviously that shit didn’t work, now did it — if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I’ll wait on the line while you do.’
–W 4th & 6th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don’t have to fight nobody on this train or else I’ll go Jet Li on this bitch.
–D Train
Overheard by: Kate
Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don’t hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.
–A Train
Overheard by: Josh H
Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin’ do nothin’.
–Metro North train to Grand Central
Overheard by: pepepepepe!
Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don’t wait for her] Beeyotches!
–91st & 2nd
Chubby girl on cell: Hello?! I’m getting a tattoo! What I need to know is: right butt cheek or left butt cheek?
–Elevator, Sulzberger Hall, Barnard College
Lady in cubicle on phone about daughter: She went from looking like a boy to J-Lo in three months, so she’s very busy shaking her booty — it’s raw, exposed estrogen.
–Wall Street
Man, to group of other men as thin passerby ignores them: Damn! Don’t she know it’s illegal for a black chick to have no ass?!
–2nd Ave & 3rd St
Overheard by: Ohiowatha
Attractive teen: My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I couldn’t talk about anything that had to do with my ass. He was, like, anal about it and would say all the time, ‘Don’t you talk about your ass, it’s going to completely turn me off — I don’t want to hear about it.’
–2 train
Overheard by: Talia
Man on cell: I remember — we just got my rear end replaced.
–University
Overheard by: Asinine
Chick on cell: Eeyore’s butt — where is it?!
–Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: And she said, ‘You’re pretty cute for a garbage man,’ and then she grabbed my ass.
–Hell’s Kitchen
Overheard by: Kat
