Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-liners Excreta

Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.

–Astroland

Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants.

–Randall’s Island

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood!

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Sion Harrington

Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee!

–Penn Station ladies’ room

Overheard by: bebe

Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it?

–Grand Central ladies’ room

Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz!

–Loews, 32nd & 2nd

Overheard by: annie lin

Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: cat verde

Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Amelia

Wednesday One-Liners Make Friends with the Purple Monkey in the Corner

Stoned chick: I’ve got to do all the drugs I can today. I’m going into rehab next week.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Matt M

Old man: Yeah, my daughter moved out a few months ago. She loves her university and smokes a lot of pot.

–Bleecker St

English professor: Is that what you say when you’re in your room popping ecstasy with the door closed?

–City College

Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe’s son died? Why’d he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that’s what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.

— CVS, 54th & Lex

Overheard by: Your Mom

Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she’s a crack addict

–Columbia University

Overheard by: An offended crack addict

Literary critic: It was Sherlock Holmes who got me on coke.

–Cherry Tree bar, 4th Ave, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Owned the “Math Is Hard” Barbie

Teacher: You had six, one of them quit, you now have four… Wait!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Woman to friends: It’s true! Crack babies just aren’t very good at math.

–W Houston St.

Overheard by: Emily T.

Disgruntled woman on cell: We are not splitting this in half — I want 70-40!

–Broadway & Exchange

Enthusiastic conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the last car is not the only car on this train. If you spread out, you get on the train faster, we get moving faster, and you won’t be able to complain that MTA trains never run on time. It’s simple mathematics, ladies and gentlemen. Get up on it.

–A train

Overheard by: mildly entertained

Let’s Catch a Flick, Wednesday One-liners

Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny.

–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Overheard by: timothy wolfe

Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face…

–Le Pescadou, King Street

Overheard by: emdashes

Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin’ goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens!

–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Guy: There’s really no way to tell someone that’s the seat’s taken without sounding like a complete douchebag.

–Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss

One-a-Day Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged lady: I wear makeup on Sundays. I like to look good on the Lord’s day.

–135th & Madison

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Monday is the new Friday.

–11 Penn Plaza

Guy on cell: … So let’s just go ahead with the Tuesday night cripple hunt.

–Grand St & Bedford Ave

Conductor: This stop is Jay Street-Borough Hall. You can transfer here across the platform to the A and C trains, which you can take uptown to Columbus Circle and on up to 168th Street. Be sure to take your stuff with you when you go, and have a great Wednesday here in the middle of the week.

–F train

Overheard by: … or maybe she was stoned

40-something lady to another: … Then I told him, ‘Nevermind the bruises, I just had liposuction last Thursday.’

–Broadway, just below Houston

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I won’t be there if you’re going to be doing all that religious stuff… Aren’t you, like, castrating a duck or something? … Oh, okay, well I’ll be there on Friday, then.

–By the tram

Wednesday One-Liners Stay One Lesson Ahead

Professor to unresponsive class: So, how do you know when a scene is over? Yeah, you just know, like porn.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Professor: Don’t mess with Socratic ninjas.

–NYU Law

Professor to silent class: Come on, what do you think? Someone say something. It’s kind of like sex. Sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you have to do what you have to do.

–Columbia University

Professor: I was whipped by a crazed dwarf in a cave for a month! Then I married him!

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Ali

Professor turning off powerpoint: And now we kick it old school.

–NYU Cantor

Overheard by: Jesse

SVA professor: Woo, I’m so jazzed today — it’s like I’m on crystal meth! [Students laugh.] No, seriously, I never did crystal meth! Speed, sure. Quaaludes, of course, but not crystal meth. Never. Nope. Oxycodone, maybe.

–SVA building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Professor: The Native Americans even have biological differences… except for the Native Americans of Australia.

–History class, Hunter College

Overheard by: tanechka

The NYC Cast of Characters in: Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops.

–6 train

Newspaper vendor: Yo! Suits! Go get me that deal…or else! I mean right now, go get it done!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: M. Hutchinson

Tourist on cell: Of course I know where we are. We’re near Broadway Street. No, no, wait. Broadway Avenue.

–57th & Broadway

Overheard by: Karyn Regal

Petitioner: Please help us save the filibuster!

–West 66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Subway salesman: …and thank you for helping me keep a roof over my head. I mean three roofs: I live in the basement.

–Q train

Metro New York guy: Free paper! Get your free paper!…Man, I’m sick of this shit.

–Union Square

Metro New York guy: Shit, man, I’m tired of sayin’ this!…Okay, fine. Good mornin’. Good mornin’. Shit.

–Park Place station

The Magic of Wednesday One-liners

Singing bag lady: My mother is a bitch! She’s a voodoo bitch. She’s a fucking whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer…the worst kind of cancer. She prevents me from getting a job with her voodoo.

–Bowling Green station

Overheard by: K2 Combo

Guy: That’s the last time I date a girl with a cape.

–Bryant Park station

Girl:…I don’t know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her healer and now I’m okay. I don’t really remember much, though.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Emily Y.

Wednesday-One-Liners Cope with At-Will Employment

Kid, to Clown dancing to ‘Hey Ya!’ in the bleachers: Get a job!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: thinks the clown is unemployed too

Guy on cell: You’re fired! You’re fired, ok? Ok? Ok, see you later, then.

–33rd & 6th

Hobo to well-endowed girl on the street: Damn girl! I wish I met you when I had a job!

–54th & 9th Ave.

Overheard by: Jasmine

Bimbette: The boss says I am too bubbly, too nice and it’s really freaking out the customers.

–72nd & Broadway

Suit on cell: I know she looks like she can fit your cock in her mouth, but aren’t you looking for a secretary?

–Wanamaker & 4th Ave

Young woman on cell: I wish Jesus would just come down and be like, ‘You’re gonna get the job.’

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: The Ficus

Customer: I have half a mind to come back here when the bitch gets off work… Whatever her life sucks, she works at Wendy’s.

–Wendy’s, 14th & 5th

Overheard by: Devon

Mama Mia, Those Are Some Spicy Wednesday One-Liners!

Ghetto guy on cell: I been wantin’ to go to Chuck E. Cheese for mad long.

–E 8th St

Midwestern girl: I just paid a hundred and thirty bucks for a meal I could have had for twenty dollars at home. [Points at Midwestern guy #1] Fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #2] fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #1 again] and especially fuck you. If I wasn’t going home with a purse full of mints and toothpicks right now, I’d punch you both in the balls.

–Outside Bobby Flay’s, 46th & 2nd

Bus driver: You know, you guys, you can step up onto the back platform. You don’t need a reservation. It’s not Applebee’s.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kevoo

Girl on cell: Why?! Why would anyone ever get something catered by Outback Steakhouse!

–W 3rd St & LaGuardia

Chick on cell: Can you eat at Dallas BBQ in a rubber shirt?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

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