Guy on cell: Get the hell out of here! I just can’t believe that someone would go to a baptism just to start a fight.
–65th & 1st
Woman walking alone in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: yum
Guy on cell: Get the hell out of here! I just can’t believe that someone would go to a baptism just to start a fight.
–65th & 1st
Woman walking alone in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: yum
Dude: Is it true the city is outlawing fat trannies?
–14th & 9th
Girl on cell: … But the conversation is getting so good! I’m announcing my attraction to trannies, and you’re talking about the S-and-M relationship of our friends!
–Harlem
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy drunk man to 11-year-olds: Suck my dick, bitch! And my pussy!
–F train
Tranny to Jehovah’s Witnesses: You don’t know nothing about God. I ain’t got no testicles. You can’t tell me about God.
–149th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: KcB
Chubby guy: I don’t hang with women with tits smaller than mine.
–Sidewalk cafe, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Big Larry
Butch woman on cell: So, Jennifer — you know, my ex-wife’s boyfriend…
–Payless Shoe Source, 34th St
Large black lady: They have all sorts of bags here: small bags, big bags — you could fit, like, nine bodies in that bag.
–The Container Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Fat queer: I want to be buried alive so I can eat myself out of it.
–Graham & Conselyea
Overheard by: Jesse
Girl on cell: I keep calling them and telling them not to kill him yet!
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: my roommate and me
Man on cell: Is Anne available? She’s dead? Oh, okay then.
–54th & Park
Nine-year-old boy seeing rays of sunlight enter car: We’re above ground now! Now we can’t be killed!
–N train, Queens
Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…
–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th
Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!
–33rd & 6th
Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!
–1 train station, Christopher St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.
–Mulberry & Broome
Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
JAP: I was thinking about getting some Botox in my back so my ass doesn’t swim around so much.
–4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Will
Loud dude: Yes, I’m very sure that I have dimples in my ass.
–75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Adele G
Dude to cute chick walking away: I don’t care! I’ll put hickies on both your butt cheeks!
–DeKalb & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: bit
Bag lady to hobo: I ain’t kiddin’. There’s a teenage mutant ninja turtle battling out of my ass.
–20th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: ninjanr
30-ish lady: Oh, god, why won’t my ass stop twitching?
–Q train, Church Ave
Overheard by: Rez
Fan to Beyoncé: Yo, Beyoncé, baby — they is childrens starvin’ in Bolivia! Why don’t you give ’em some o’ dat be-hin’?!
–Outside MTV studios
Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.
–Astroland
Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants.
–Randall’s Island
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood!
–22nd & Park
Overheard by: Sion Harrington
Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee!
–Penn Station ladies’ room
Overheard by: bebe
Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it?
–Grand Central ladies’ room
Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no…
–Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz!
–Loews, 32nd & 2nd
Overheard by: annie lin
Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: cat verde
Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Miss Amelia
Stoned chick: I’ve got to do all the drugs I can today. I’m going into rehab next week.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Matt M
Old man: Yeah, my daughter moved out a few months ago. She loves her university and smokes a lot of pot.
–Bleecker St
English professor: Is that what you say when you’re in your room popping ecstasy with the door closed?
–City College
Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe’s son died? Why’d he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that’s what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.
— CVS, 54th & Lex
Overheard by: Your Mom
Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she’s a crack addict
–Columbia University
Overheard by: An offended crack addict
Literary critic: It was Sherlock Holmes who got me on coke.
–Cherry Tree bar, 4th Ave, Park Slope
Teacher: You had six, one of them quit, you now have four… Wait!
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Woman to friends: It’s true! Crack babies just aren’t very good at math.
–W Houston St.
Overheard by: Emily T.
Disgruntled woman on cell: We are not splitting this in half — I want 70-40!
–Broadway & Exchange
Enthusiastic conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the last car is not the only car on this train. If you spread out, you get on the train faster, we get moving faster, and you won’t be able to complain that MTA trains never run on time. It’s simple mathematics, ladies and gentlemen. Get up on it.
–A train
Overheard by: mildly entertained
Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny.
–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Overheard by: timothy wolfe
Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face…
–Le Pescadou, King Street
Overheard by: emdashes
Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin’ goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens!
–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street
Guy: There’s really no way to tell someone that’s the seat’s taken without sounding like a complete douchebag.
–Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss
Middle-aged lady: I wear makeup on Sundays. I like to look good on the Lord’s day.
–135th & Madison
Overheard by: Kate
Woman: Monday is the new Friday.
–11 Penn Plaza
Guy on cell: … So let’s just go ahead with the Tuesday night cripple hunt.
–Grand St & Bedford Ave
Conductor: This stop is Jay Street-Borough Hall. You can transfer here across the platform to the A and C trains, which you can take uptown to Columbus Circle and on up to 168th Street. Be sure to take your stuff with you when you go, and have a great Wednesday here in the middle of the week.
–F train
Overheard by: … or maybe she was stoned
40-something lady to another: … Then I told him, ‘Nevermind the bruises, I just had liposuction last Thursday.’
–Broadway, just below Houston
Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I won’t be there if you’re going to be doing all that religious stuff… Aren’t you, like, castrating a duck or something? … Oh, okay, well I’ll be there on Friday, then.
–By the tram
