Clerk: Ma’am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You’re wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]Biotech: Look, I said you’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re ugly!
–875 3rd Ave
Clerk: Ma’am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You’re wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]Biotech: Look, I said you’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re ugly!
–875 3rd Ave
Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus…
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don’t you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don’t you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]Hurried customer: You know — Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit — I don’t need your friggin’ card.
–Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman
Overheard by: compnerd aka
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah… But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
–D’Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Ask Where He Keeps the A-1…” – the horologist
· “Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing” – Gosia
· “He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis.” – Allan
· “I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It” – Marc Bernard
· “My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect” – Rhys Southan
· “Worst Pickup Artist Ever” – smittie
Customer: How you doin’?
Postal worker: I’m working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it’s better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.
–Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how’s he doing?
–Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· “‘Great Listener’ Is On Her Resumee” – Denny
· “Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking” – RBNY
· “I’d Say His Condition Is Stable” – Tadzio
· “Rolling Over About Now” – Kaitlen
· “Rotting, No Doubt” – Katy
· “Well, Mom Won’t Share a Bed with Him Anymore.” – Cassie
· “Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off” – halfknot
Customer: I’d like to return this shirt. It fits me just right, but the tag says ‘Large,’ and I don’t wear a size Large.
Returns person: Okay, no problem.
–H&M, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can’t you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma’am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
–Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
Customer: I need cigarettes.
Cashier, pleasantly: How would you like to kill yourself?
Customer, expressionless: Newports.
Cashier: Here you go.
–CVS, 25th & 6th
Lady buying cigarette paper: When did the price go up to $1.25?!
Cashier: Three months ago… And you’ve asked me every day since.
–Blue Diner Deli, 92nd & 1st
Overheard by: Karen Bernstein
Middle-aged white lady: What are you trying to do? You are so rude! I can’t believe you! I am going to get you fired!
Clerk: [Silence.]Middle-aged white lady, to entire line: Can you believe these people? They are so rude! I can’t believe they are trying to short me my coffee! It’s unbelievable!
Young black man: Stop being so white.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Atlantic & 4th, Brooklyn
