Directions

It Smells That Way ‘Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman

Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.

–Astoria Blvd

Overheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim

Runners-Up:
· “A Little ‘Piece’ of Heaven” – Mistress Squidia
· “And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven…” – smo
· “Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit.” – Paul Nielsen
· “From Rear to Eternity” – ilemanzer
· “Heaven i’taint.” – Lee
· “Holy Shit” – lounamaa
· “I Don’t Think That’s What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: ‘I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'” – Jenny
· “Must Be a ZoroASStrian” – John P.
· “Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau” – steph
· “Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You’re Led to Believe in Church.” – J.C.
· “Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?” – kelynsh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Don’t Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet

Police officer: Crime isn’t going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?

–Brooklyn Family Court

How Long You Bin Loony?

Lady: Excuse me, do you know how to get to the Holliswood Hospital?
Teen: Holliswood Mental Hospital?
Lady: Yes, the Holliswood Psychiatric Hospital.
Teen: Yeah, like I said, the mental hospital.
Lady: Psychiatric.
Teen: Mental.

–Union Turnpike & 188th

Overheard by: Zeve

Near Maryland, I’m Positive

Teen #1: Wanna go to Long Island tonight?
Teen #2: Yeah.
Teen #3: Wait, where on Long Island?
Teen #1: I don’t know. Where is Long Island, anyway?

–Outside F.I.T.

Dy’man in the Rough

Yellow cab driver, leaning out window: Hey.
Gypsy cab driver: Yeah?
Yellow cab driver: Uh, West Side Highway?
Gypsy cab driver: Ri’on Dy’man.
Yellow cab driver: What?
Gypsy cab driver: Right on Dyckman.
Yellow cab driver: Oh! Okay.
Gypsy cab driver: Fuckin’ tourists.

–204th & Broadway

Overheard by: amused passenger

Headline by: NYwannabe

Runners-Up:
· “GPS: Gypsy Positioning System–Taxi Technology of the Future” – also amused
· “Adventure Tourism For Rich People With Everything” – Julie
· “Headline Be Damned, I’m Shocked There Were 2 Cabs in Inwood!” – erak
· “Hey, My Mother Was a Fucking Tourist” – Eugene
· “Real NYC Cabbies Just Head in the Wrong Direction” – Gary
· “So I Guess Asking For Grey Poupon Is Out of the Question” – Jen
· “They Never Come to a Complete Glottal Stop” – markle

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Goldman-Sachs’s New Technique For Weeding Out Interns

Suit: Excuse me, do you know how to get to Wall Street?
Warehouse employee: Qué?

–Outside a shady warehouse, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: sean

Doris Brings Manhattan to a Standstill

Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I’m standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone’s mothafucking way.

–42nd & 3rd

Overheard by: She was in my way too

Stand Clear of the Wednesday One-Liners, Please

Conductor: We know it’s Monday, and we’re sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Hates Mondays

Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.

–LIRR

Overheard by: vm

Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.

–Uptown D train

Overheard by: tired commuter

Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.

–Uptown A train, 207th St

Overheard by: How far north can you go?

Conductor: Stand clear of the…uh…opening doors.

–Q train, 57th St

Overheard by: K. Chas

Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Taylor G.

Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it’s Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It’s 7:54. You’ve got plenty of time!

–1 train

Cookie Monster Greeted Them and Sang a Song to Explain ‘Up’ and ‘Down’

Man #1: Do you need help getting anywhere?
Momo #1: I dunno.
Momo #2: Umm, what’s that place? Penn something?
Momo #3: We need to go downtown to Grand Central Station.
Man #1: Oh, okay. You’re fine. You need to keep going uptown on this train.
Momo #2: Are you, umm, sure? ‘Cause it says we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Maybe there’s more than one Grand Central, stupid.
Momo #2: Shut up!
Momo #1: Excuse me, is there more than one?
Woman: No, you ladies are fine. There’s only one, and you’re on the right train.
Momo #3: That’s so stupid. These directions told us we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Yeah, like what’s up with that?
Man #2: It depends on where you start. If you were north of Grand Central you would have to go downtown, but if you were south of it you need to go uptown.

Three momos stare vacantly at man #2.

Woman: This is your stop, ladies.
Momo #2, walking off the train: This is probably the wrong Grand Central.

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: Beerinder

Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers

Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way…See, we’re not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I’m a social worker.

–Brooklyn Heights

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