Drunk babe #1: I am definitely not going to have sex with him. He fucks a bitch from New Jersey.
Drunk babe #2: Oh, well, then maybe you shouldn’t have sex with him.
Drunk babe #1: I know, right? They have their own, like, breeds of STDs out in fucking Jersey.
–Outside Soho Grand Hotel
Overheard by: Drunk Guy
Hardhat #1: I tell you what, I’m going to need a fucking beer tonight.
Hardhat #2: … You just had one.
–6th Ave
Drunk girl: The other thing you should know about me is I have a raw fucking pussy.
Drunk guy, holding her hand: Yeah? Good.
–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Bex
Drunk chick #1, laughing hysterically: Okay, let’s come up with a code word to say every time we see one of them. Something really random, like… shoelace.
Drunk chick #2: Julius?
Drunk chick #1, still laughing: No, shoelace. Shoelace!
Drunk chick #2: Okay. Julius. Look! There’s a Julius!
–6 train
Overheard by: quagmire
Drunk female vocalist after set: Dude… Evolution… That’s, like, the theory we come from plants and shit.
–Blue Note Jazz Club
Overheard by: Bailey
Drunken derelict, burping loudly: Give it a second and it’ll come out the other side!
–6th Ave & Waverly Pl
Drunk man: I mean, it’s ironic when you think about it. Lou Gehrig winds up dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Then, Dr. Atkins dies of Atkins. Think about it.
–Bar, 46th St
Drunk bum: I’m not a bum — I’m an international bill inspector. My boss sent me here to inspect your bills. Who wants to give me a hundred dollars?
–Crowded 6 train
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk girl: I’m not drunk yet. I can still feel my lips!
–Blagio, Queens
Overheard by: Kim
Belligerent wino: I am the government!
–Caton Ave, Brooklyn
Drunk dude: Were you in the parade just now?
Old Irish guy: You bet.
Drunk dude: That’s awesome. It seemed even more fun than the gay pride parade. But that one always freaks me out because I never know which transvestites it’s okay for me to be attracted to.
–4 train
Overheard by: Dan
Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I’m not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won’t, Teesha, say I won’t! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you’re bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I’ll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I’m gonna pee on this train! Say I won’t!
Sister: You’re bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don’t care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them — they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we’ll see who’s diseased!
–A train, between 145th & 34th
St. Patty’s drunk: So, wait… I was told that we aren’t allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What’s the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn’t be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and–
Interrupting cop: –Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That’s all.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!
–Bx10 bus
Overheard by: LSB
Drunk guy on cell: Yeah, man, all this stuff happened… It was fucked up.
Blonde: Could you please keep it down a little?
Drunk guy on cell: Man, this blonde bitch in front of me wants me to shut up. Dumb bitch. [hangs up and addresses blonde] Sorry about that. So, where are you going tonight?
–LIRR, between Penn & Jamaica
