Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
–3rd Avenue and 9th Street
Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
–3rd Avenue and 9th Street
Fat White drunk woman: Maybe you got it from someone in our building, or all those transvestites you fucked.
Sobbing Hispanic man: But baby, I didn’t fuck that many, it’s not my fault!
–Fordham Road, The Bronx
Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don’t speak English so they didn’t understand what you wanted.
–ESPNZone, Times Square
Overheard by: Rachel W
Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone.
–M train
A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere.
–Indochine, Lafayette Street
Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, “What’s the problem?”.
–47th & 9th
Overheard by: JH
Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lobster? I’m only into boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.
–Austin ale house, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: tom
Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don’t pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Alita
Girl: Why are you making fun of people? Someone as fat as you shouldn’t be runnin’ your mouth to nobody!
Drunk guy: OK, I may be fat but can lose weight. You’ll always be a nigger.
Girl: Ooh, so now you’re stupid and fat? Look drunk-ass, I’m not Black, I’m Dominican!
Drunk guy: Oh my bad, you’re a Spanish-speaking nigger.
–Croxley Ale House, Avenue B
Chick #1: Do you think I should have another Texas-sized margarita?
Chick #2: I think your eyes are bigger than your liver.
–Dallas BBQ, 166th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?
–Central Park
Overheard by: alec
Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Glynnis
Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack
Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God.
–Central Park
Overheard by: mj
Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken!
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
Drunk girl: So, the bill is $80, the tip should be $16, right?…So $80 and $16 is $136…We’ve got $150 here, that’s more than enough, let’s take $10 back for the cab…So are we really going to Scores now?
–White Horse Tavern, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Laura Fenton
Drunk #1: Guys, I got us a taxi!
Drunk #2: Dude, we don’t need a taxi.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Atkins
Girl #1: Get me something else at the bar?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I’ve run out of alcohol to go with my champagne.
–Central Park boathouse
Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.
–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing
Overheard by: Stephan
Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: Djuna
Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?
–Washington Square Park
