Drunks

Wednesday One-liners Go to the Park

Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–Central Park

Overheard by: alec

Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Glynnis

Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack

Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God.

–Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

Alcohol and Arithmetic Are Not Friends

Drunk girl: So, the bill is $80, the tip should be $16, right?…So $80 and $16 is $136…We’ve got $150 here, that’s more than enough, let’s take $10 back for the cab…So are we really going to Scores now?

–White Horse Tavern, Hudson Street

Overheard by: Laura Fenton

“…we need to find me a puke bucket. Now.”

Drunk #1: Guys, I got us a taxi!
Drunk #2: Dude, we don’t need a taxi.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Atkins

Hopefully She’ll Down a Bottle of Rubbing

Girl #1: Get me something else at the bar?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I’ve run out of alcohol to go with my champagne.

–Central Park boathouse

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Straggling Home (A NYC Short Story)

Drunk: Miss, do you think I could sit next to you for a moment, just a moment, and you could smell me and tell me whether I smell like I’ve been drinking?
Girl: No.
Drunk: Why not?
Girl: Because I don’t want to have to smell anyone.
Drunk: Well fuck you too.

–168th Street station

Ask Her for a Canejob

Guy #1: Man, she’s hot.
Guy #2: But does she need that walker?

–Bensonhurst

Shoving Things “There”: No Longer Weird

Bi guy #1: So do you have a lot of threesomes?
Bi guy #2: My girlfriend likes to see me take it up the ass. She’s weird like that.

–Chelsea taxicab

Teen girl #1: How do you know it’s uncomfortable?
Teen girl #2: Just put something in your ass and walk around with it.
Teen girl #1: In your ass?
Teen girl #2: Well, on your ass.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sara R.

Drunk suit: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Irish barman: Only if you have an enema with you, ’cause I’m going to shove it up your arse when I’m done.

–Nancy Whiskey Pub, Lispenard Street

Giving Smoking a Bad Name

Drunk Guy #1: You’re gonna charge me a dollar for just one cigarette?
Drunk Guy #2: You think I’m gonna fucking give you change?

–46th St. & 8th Ave.

Overheard by: Ryan

Man on cell: I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes. I’m dying here, you’re literally killing me.

–3rd Ave. & 12th St.

Overheard by: Este Bagato

The Really Special Olympics

Drunk #1: This little guy was almost in the Olympics for me…he was almost the donkey I never had.
Drunk #2: Donkey?
Drunk #1: Yeah, like a horse.

–N train

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