Shamrock Day: the Aftermath

Short guy: You owe me money.
Hefty guy: I don’t owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don’t make me fucking slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up.

–N train

Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies doing after this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hopping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies into having some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunken orgy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kidding me? Go blow out your ass, stupid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an idiot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch.

The guys walk away.

Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was being a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: kendra

Sort of drunk guy: You’re getting more beer? You can barely walk.
Really drunk guy: That’s no reason to stop drinking.

–Saint Mark’s Place & 3rd Ave.

Posted on November 13, 2023
Bitch-slap, Drunks, Height, Holidays, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Pickiness, Union Square and East Village

That’s Quite a Speechwriter You’ve Got There

Caribbean woman: Will dis [wine cooler] drunk me?
Caribbean man: No, that won’t drunk you.

–Yvette Clarke for Congress HQ, Crown Heights

Posted on August 18, 2023
Brooklyn, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Foreigners, Idiots, Questions

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e’rybody!

–4 train

Overheard by: Not Me

Headline by: VeggieGirl

Runners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Import That or Something” – gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” – Ken H.
· “Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!” – Fleetline
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” – Redneck Jedi
· “Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle” – The Heiress

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on August 5, 2023
Bimbettes, Comebacks, Compliments, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Headline Contest Winners, On the Subway, Sex, Tourists

There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends

Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can’t help it. He’s half black… what? He is.

–Queens

Posted on August 2, 2023
A-List, About Celebrities, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Celebrities, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Family Ties, Girls, Pop Culture, Queens, Sports, Yankees

It’s Part of the Elementary School Curriculum Here in New York

Drunken friend #1: That guy at the bar was hot. You totally should’ve taken him home.
Drunken friend #2: Why me? Let her (points to drunken friend #3) take him home.
Drunken friend #3 (trying to be discreet): Ummmm excuse me? I don’t need a man. I have d-i-c-k at home.
Drunken friend #2: Uhh, the rest of the train can figure out what you just spelled.

–Crowded 6 Train

Overheard by: ear hustler

Posted on July 31, 2023
Advice, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drunks, Etiquette, Friends, On the Subway, Penis, Public Transportation, Sexuality, Wishes & desires, Words

What Kind Of Girl Do You Take Me For?

Frat dude to girlfriend, after 20 minutes of drunken heavy petting: So, are we gonna have some anal sex tonight?!
Drunk chick: I don't…really do that.

–D Train

Posted on July 11, 2023
Backdoor, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girlfriends, Guys, On the Subway, Questions

‘…A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character’

Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That’s not Italian!
Drunk girl: He’s not Italian, he’s Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!

–30th & 3rd

Posted on July 9, 2023
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Jews, Language Barrier, Languages, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, People, Pizza, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Topics, Venues, Words, Yiddish

Wednesday One-Liners Get Blotto Like Otto

Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Lillian

Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!

–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty

Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!

—Wicked, Broadway

Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.

–Central Park

Overheard by: John Tidyman

Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

Posted on June 15, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Drunks, Family Ties, Food, Friends, Girls, Internet, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Shopping, Sorority Girls, Sports, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners

You’re Not Getting Any Warmer, Dude

Drunk guy: Where are you from, man?
Random guy: Arizona.
Drunk guy: Arizona… Arizona, Nevada?
Random guy: No… Arizona, Arizona.
Drunk guy: Oh, but… Nevada is a section of Arizona right?
Random guy: No. Nevada is Nevada.
Drunk guy: I’ve been to Wisconsin.

–E Train

Overheard by: Noble Robinette