Drunks

Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: emilia

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.

–B train

Overheard by: Janelle

Guy in hoodie: I don’t know — rain gear just doesn’t really turn me on.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ktg

Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.

–Bus to Staten Island

Chick on cell: … And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, ‘Dude, you’re rubbing your erection on me…’

–Fordham University

Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?

–40th & 5th

Overheard by: don’t wanna know

But If You’d Like, I Can Give You a Fake Number

Chick #1: You’re not trying.
Chick #2: Yes, I am.
Drunk guy: What’s your name, beautiful?
Chick #2: I don’t have one.

–Off the Wagon bar, MacDougal

Overheard by: NYU Student

But with Taxis

Drunk man: Hey, is this Penn Station?
Woman: No, this is Grand Central. It’s hard to get from the East side to the West side.
Drunk man: Yeah, it’s exactly like being in Hell.

–Grand Central

Naomi and Winona Do the Town

Mom: Okay, sweetie, time to get you home.
Drunk daughter: Shut the fuck up, Mom! You’re drunk, you stupid whore!

–Bedford Ave

I’m a Quid Pro Quo Volunteer

Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here — he doesn’t get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope — I won’t save you!

–LIRR

Pretty Soon You’ll Hear the Pitter Patter of Tiny Sheets

Semi-sober girl: You going home to sleep it off?
Drunk girl: I’m gonna go home and make love to my bed… Make little cots…

–Bar, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: tea

I’m Barred from Crate & Barrel for Life

Dude: So, what did you do?
Hung-over girl: I was really embarrassed at first and I tried to hide it. Then I was like, ‘Fuck it, yeah, I peed in your bed.’

–Restaurant, Chelsea

Pass the Bottle

Guy #1: Dude, I think I’m finally starting to sober up.
Guy #2: How can you tell?
Guy #1: Because all of a sudden I can do square roots in my head again.

–Dorm elevator, Columbia University

Overheard by: Jessica

I Want to Be the Duck with High Heels and No Pants

Drunk girl #1: No, no, no, man. Picture it: we’ll be like the Disney characters in Disney, but not Disney characters… I think it’s a great idea.
Drunk girl #2: Are you sure?
Drunk girl #1: Yeah. All Disney but without the horror tower thing!

–D train

Overheard by: trin trin

The Best I Can Do Is Grade You on the Curve

Drunk girl: I had sex with someone I didn’t know tonight.
Passing boy: Yeah, college!
Drunk girl: Don’t judge me!

–116th & Broadway

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