Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: You keep talking over me–it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.

–Ray's Pizza, 52 & 8th

Overheard by: Jarett

Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as "that guy" and we'll see how long you stay conscious.

–33rd & 7th

Nervous man seated against the wall: I don't like this seat. I don't like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there's a fight? I don't want to be trapped in a place with a fight.

–Off-Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Hannah

Ghetto chick: Can't you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?

–W Train

Overheard by: sara n.

Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…

Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?

–Chambers St

Overheard by: Shooty

Posted on September 22, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Insects, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Punch, Questions, Rape, Sex, Store, Street, Theater, Threats, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

The Way He Keeps Drop-Kicking My Emotions…

Nerdy chick: Yeah, but when it comes to in-tangible objects, he’s really irresponsible.

–Fort Tryon Park

Posted on August 28, 2022
Default, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Girls, Gripes, Parks, Words

How Carson Daly Got into the Music Business

Teen boy #1: Change your ringtone! Change it! [Slams table.]Teen boy #2: Don’t you like that song? I love it.
Teen boy #1, to others: His phone rings all day — I’m sick of it. I have to have a new song. He gets that many calls, he should have one song for each girl so I’m entertained!

–Little Italy

Posted on August 27, 2022
Cell Phone, Gripes, Little Italy, Teens

Especially Since They’re Largely the Same People

Teen girl: I just realized I have a lot of numbers belonging to teachers and parents of my friends on my phone.
Friend: You’re such a loser.
Teen girl: Well, I also have the numbers of a lot of drug dealers and sketchy older guys I’ve had sex with, so I think the two cancel each other out.

–Horace Mann School

Overheard by: jen

Posted on July 16, 2022
College, Comebacks, Drugs, Gripes, Sex, Students, Teens

When Couples Travel Together

Old guy moving away from lady on cell, who follows him: Lady, would you shut the hell up already?! I moved from back there just to get away from you!

–M20 bus, 23rd St stop

Posted on June 28, 2022
Gripes, Old People, On the Bus

You Look Totally Different for Identical Twins

Latino cashier #1: … And then he said he couldn’t tell us apart.
Latino cashier #2: That’s so insulting! Why wouldn’t he be able to tell you guys apart? It’s not like we’re Chinese!

–8th & Ave C

Overheard by: m.

Posted on June 15, 2022
Default, Gripes, Latinos, Physical appearance, Race, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village

High-Motility Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.

–NYU classroom

Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.

–44th & 8th

Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.

–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope

Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate

Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!

–Times Square

Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.

–114th & Amsterdam

Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Argopelter

Posted on June 1, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Food, Gripes, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Medicine, Pee, Penis, Porn, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Was That Hobo Urine on the Ground? Now I’m Ecstatic

Drunk queers: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the waaay!
Jaded teen, to no one: I’m in hell. This is my hell.
Drunk queers: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a no-horse big subwaaay!
Black queer: Come on! Everybody! Jingle bells! Jingle bells! [Train comes to abrupt stop and all carolers fall over.]Jaded teen: Was that karma? I think that’s karma. Now I’m happy again.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on May 26, 2022
Drunks, Gripes, On the Subway, Queer guys, Teens

Think Of It As Getting Paid to Watch Bad TV

[Man enters train.]Man: Damn! I have jury duty today…
Random girl: Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry. But hey, it could be worse.
Man: Yeah, it could be worse, I could be on trial.

–R Train

Posted on May 19, 2022
Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Girls, Gripes, Men, On the Subway

Wednesday 1:00-Liners

Dude, in front of closed Staples: Staples doesn't open until fucking noon? What are we, in a goddamn small town? Noon? Am I supposed to be in fucking church right now? God!

–Meeker St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Simon

Girl on cell: Because I don't function in the world of time so well.

–7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St

Overheard by: John C

Pilot on PA: JetBlue welcomes you to New York City, where the local time is 1:40… 1:45… Kinda… I think.

–JFK

Law student to another: What time is it in the real world?

–Fordham Law School

Posted on March 12, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Church, Fordham, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Insults, JFK Airport, On Cell, One-liners, Pilots, Questions, Street, Students, Time, Wednesday One-Liners

Gripes