Russian chick: I don’t know why he’s so pathetic that he resorts to lap dancing. I mean, come on, lap dancing! Is he really so desperate? He’s a good-looking guy, I just don’t understand how he could stoop so low!
Preppy guy: No no no, you misunderstand! He’s not desperate, he’s just into that sort of thing… you know, he’s actually dating a porn star right now.
–84th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Mr. Sausage
There is this guy scratching his balls, going deep. A little girl is around him, and two ladies are about to walk by. After observing the ball scratching and the little girl, one lady says: She is going to be scarred for life.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Tamika J.
Guy #1: Whatever, you could feign interest in this conversation.
Guy #2: I am.
–Broadway & 44th
Overheard by: Matt Kuzelka
Charity mugger: Do you have a minute for the environment?
Guy: What?
Charity mugger: Do you have a minute for the environment?
Guy: What?
Charity mugger: We’re working to reduce mercury pollution.
Guy: Sorry, I don’t like planet Earth english.
–Broadway between Canal & Howard
Hobo: Does anyone have some food? I’m so hungry, please!
Guy: I think I have an apple in my bag.
Hobo: I got no teeth! I got no teeth! I don’t want your apple!
Guy: How the hell do you expect to get any food without teeth?
–2/3 train
Boy: Mom!…Mom!
Father: Dad. The name is Dad.
–Eli’s, 80th & 3rd
Columbia guy: I don’t think I should see Avenue Q on stage. Whenever I see puppets I start throwing up. Just throwing up all over the place. The same thing with porn. When I’m a father I’m just going to show my kids so much porn that they throw up. Then I’ll turn them into computer geeks.
–114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maxwell Cohen
Woman: I mean, he got really mad at me after I slept with his father…and it was only one time!
–6 train
Dad on cell: …we gotta go out by ourselves…the fuckin’ kids, they always want something, it never stops!…Yeah?! Well, what the fuck does the little Princess want now?!
–Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd
Dad on cell: Hi, Sammy. How was school today?…Uh huh, what did you do in computers?…What do you mean, you had to show three pictures?…And you were able to do it?…You use Macs in school, right?…Yeah, it’s an Apple. A Mac is an Apple…You know that’s different than the computer you use at home…Yeah, it’s a different operating system…Well, I’m glad you were able to do it. Let me talk to Mommy.
–Acela Express train
Papa thug: Yo, next time someone pushes you like that, you don’t push back, you hear?…you kick him in the motherfucking face.
–12th Street between 1st & A
Overheard by: milo
Her baby daddy: …yeah, she’d be about 15 or 16 by now. But her mom was messin’ around, too, so…She better not come to me 50 years later sayin “she’s yours” cause I don’t play that. Plus, I got a little girl of my own, so I’m good.
–A train
Overheard by: lori dockendorf
Dad: Walking is just like running, only slower.
–Atlantic Avenue mall
Boy: I mean, if it weren’t for the child support, you’d be good, right?
Father: What?
–60th & 3rd
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Dad: Babies have giant heads…and our heads shrink as we get older.
–Museum of Natural History
Woman: Every time I try to explain it to you, you don’t understand–
Man: I’m killing your dreams?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Sean Schuyler
A dog pees on a hipster’s leg.
Hipster: Dude! That is so not cool!
–McGolrick Park, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Didi Hylobates
Homeboy: I don’t discriminate. If anyone messes with my family, or my kids, I’m taking their life.
–Bx21 bus
Overheard by: Fiona
Chick on cell: I don’t know…I think I’m in Queens. The train’s above ground…I lost my keys and I have to be at work in 45 minutes. I’ll guess I’ll go in the same clothes…I don’t know what he does. I think something at night, though. I took his money.
–7 train
Girl on cell: That’s very nice to diagnose yourself like that but, really, fuck you…I still think you’re, like, a sociopath or something.
–6th Ave. between 50th & 51st
Guy on cell: You’ve got the best job: being a mom.
–42nd between 6th & Madison
Woman: …maybe because I got my period in the 4th grade and looked like everybody’s mother by the 6th grade. I was huge.
–27th street office
Mom: Now, this is not the Louvre, so don’t be jaded or anything.
–Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Cat Pop
Drunk: If a woman hadda right to choose where I come from, I wouldn’t be here today!
–Odessa Cafe, Avenue A
Overheard by: Ted Lattis
Chick: I saw my mother on stage in underwear and a bra with motorized tassels…
–13th & 5th
Overheard by: Caroline Norris
