Insults

Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!

Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus…
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don’t you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don’t you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]Hurried customer: You know — Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit — I don’t need your friggin’ card.

–Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman

Overheard by: compnerd aka

In Real Life, the Ogre Never Gets the Princess

Tiny lady suit staring at stairs, to no one in particular: I wish someone would just carry me up…
Huge, burly guy: I’ll carry you.
Tiny lady suit: Ew! Gross!

–E station, 7th Ave

Penis Envy

Teen girl #1: She was like a fucking sausage.
Teen girl #2: Yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
Teen girl #2: What a bitch.

–Duane Reade, Bronx

… Can I Get Your Number?

Drunk girl: It’s like we’re the same person!
Suit: Except you’re four inches shorter, thirty pounds heavier, and a dumbass!

–Times Square

Yeah, I Miss Abusing Her

Man #1: It seems my first wife put my name down on a job application as a reference.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Man #1: Somebody called me yesterday and asked, ‘Can you tell us something about her?’
Man #2: What did you say?
Man #1: I said, ‘She can’t cook and she’s lousy in bed! As long as the job don’t require that, I guess she’d be good.’
Man #2: What an idiot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Allison

He Could Have Insulted Them Even More by Calling Them “Tourists”

Tourist kid: Look! The Empire State Building!
Tourist mom: Where? I don’t see it.
tourist kid: The big, pointy one!
Tourist mom: Oooh, let’s take a picture!
Passerby: That’s the Chrysler Building, you fucking niggers.

–Outside NYC Public Library

Overheard by: johnny salami

I’ll Just Internet-Stalk You

10-year-old girl: Mommy, when I grow up, do you still have to follow me everywhere?
Mom: No.
10-year-old girl: Yesss!

–M101 bus

Overheard by: FRAIS

I’m Not the One Using Buffy to Make a Point about the Civil War

Professor: … And who doesn’t want to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer?!
Girl: I don’t.
Professor: Well, fine. You’re a freak.

–NYU

These Ridiculous Earmuffs, for One Thing

Four-year-old: Daddy, what’s that?
Dad: It’s a siren. Are you serious? What’s wrong with you?

–6th Ave

Overheard by: Sarahcasm

The Part Where They Have Manners?

Latina chick, in Spanish, after Korean tourist trips into her: Listen, you son of a bitch — don’t touch me, you faggot! You get me, asshole?!
Friend: Haha, babe, like this asshole understands what you’re saying?
Korean tourist, in Spanish: I lived in Puerto Rico for two years.
Latina chick, in English: Oh, word? What part?

–A train

Overheard by: Graham Davis

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