Baristas

Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!

Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus…
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don’t you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don’t you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]Hurried customer: You know — Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit — I don’t need your friggin’ card.

–Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman

Overheard by: compnerd aka

The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces

Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It’s my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: alanna

Another Caffeine-Drunken Brooklyn Naiad

Hot chick: Pardon me — can I get a top off?
Barista: Excuse me?!

–Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Disappointed

You’ll Be Sorry — This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!

Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You’re selling a triberry muffin. Well, what’s a triberry? I’ve never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren’t any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That’s false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it’s called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don’t understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don’t think so. I don’t want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]Barista: Dumbass.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Waplow

All Hail the Hypnobarista

40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don’t kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.

–Starbucks, Union Square

How Lois Got a Sneezer

Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn’t have to tell you my name — what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird…

–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Ordinarily I’d Add My Own Cheer

Barista: Soy latte coming up.
Monotone man: Will you make it with holiday cheer?
Barista: Uh… Okay, sure.
Monotone man: I’m a little tired today.

–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway

Actually, I’d Butt-Fuck Him Right Now for Some Raw Cookie Dough

Friendly male barista: Hi, what can I do you for?
Stoner #1: I’m not a fuckin’ queer, man.
Stoner #2: Yeah, man. And even if he was, he’d be mine!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The girl in line behind this guy

‘Win Us Over With Money!’ We’d Say

Lady at register: My great-grandmother had nine strokes and still lived to be 98 years old.
Barista: Wow, nine strokes?!
Lady at register: Yeah, I think she was doing it on purpose. You know, to get attention.

–Starbucks, Broadway

And Quickly, Before Life Kicks the Stuffing out of Me

Female employee: So I think my old coworker might be a widower!
Male employee: That’s so awesome! I want to write a poem about it.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

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