Granny: I’m babysitting for my daughter’s kids next Thursday.
Friend: What? You just sat for them last Thursday!
Granny: No, no, — I couldn’t make it that time.
Friend: But still…
Granny: Well, she has a lot of doctors’ appointments lately. Anyway, I just take them out for lunch and give them French fries.
–Starbucks, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad’s kind of hard…
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they’ve both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!
–155th & Broadway
Girlfriend #1: What you got is real love. That nigga’s jumpin’ off balconies, gettin’ a tattoo…
Girlfriend #2: That don’t mean nothin’. Your father got 15 bitches’ names on him.
Girlfriend #1: Bitch, he loves you!
–A train
Overheard by: Nicole
Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid?
Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right?
Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy?
Hoochie #2: No, no, no… Not a step-mommy. I’m the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: christiaan montgomery
Creepster: Have you ever ripped out your sister’s piercings?
–72nd & Brodway
Overheard by: Ariella
Girl to friend: … And my aunt told my cousin — who is a huge slut — she told her, ‘Girl, you’re nothing but a box with a hole in it!’
–Starbucks, Worth & Lafayette St
Massive black dude on cell: You know my daughter? The yellow one? She be out all night getting fucked by some dude at a crack house. At least her sister’s decent enough to tell me when she do shit like that.
–Forbidden Planet Comics
Man: Well, I put my sister in the ER the same number of times she put me in, so I figure we’re even.
–Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Nerf
Hipster: If you don’t want to hurt your grandparents’ feelings, but you’re too afraid to tell them you’re a homosexual, just tell them you graduated from SUNY Purchase.
–Metro-North to White Plains
Overheard by: Straight alumni
Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he’s dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I’m bored.
Mother: He’s always bored. I must’ve been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father’s knee and starts humping.] I’m bored, I’m bored[yawns], I’m bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn’t look boring like you.
–Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: That guy on the F Train
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· “Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?” – Shawn
· “Most Priests Aren’t That Exciting” – Brock
· “They Don’t Call It the F Train for Nothing” – Sean McGurr
· “This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring” – Sim Etrias
· “Try the Middle Leg….it’s Less Boring” – nicky c.
Teen boy: Your wife’s a bitch, you know that?
Man: My wife is your mother!
Teen boy: Well, I’m just saying.
–Broadway
Little girl: Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, and their names were Elana, Jessica, and… And Daddy Midget.
Uncle: That best not be me.
Man: You the daddy?
Uncle: Naw, I’m the uncle. But I’m the only daddy around.
Little girl: … And they lived together…
Uncle: I know, I’m probably the wolf.
Little girl: And there was a big bad wolf, and his name was Uncle Greg*.
Uncle: That’s right, I’d best be the wolf.
Little girl: And they lived happily ever after.
–Subway station, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Skater kid #1: Dude, why did they close the door on your grandma?
Skater kid #2: I don’t know — least she won’t be seen with us.
Skater kid #1: Haha, true.
–Q train
Overheard by: Nicole
Child: I’m king of the world!
Dad: Okay, now come on.
Child: Dad, what’s king of the world?
Dad: It means you’re the boss of everyone.
Child: Oh.
Dad: Your mommy — she’s king of the world.
–DeGraw & Court, Brooklyn
