Family Ties

Wednesday One-Liners Are from Kentucky

Guy to friend: Nah, man, I can’t tomorrow — I gotta go to Victoria’s Secret with my niece.

–1 train

Overheard by: Your Mom

Man: … And so I says, ‘I don’t care if you’re my sister, you’re having the baby.’

–54 W 21st St

Overheard by: NickI

Chick: I think if you’re considering dating your cousin, which one you pick is the least of your problems.

–8th & Broadway

Girl on cell: It kinda sucks that you have a crush on your brother.

–Fordham University plaza

Overheard by: It’s not incest if he wants it… oh wait…

Chick to friend: I don’t care how horny you are, you never fuck your brother!

–56th St

Overheard by: Kerri Anne

Formerly My Little Sister

Guy: You’re getting fat.
Girl: You’re just saying that ’cause you’re getting fat.
Guy: No way. You’ve definitely put on weight.
Girl: You can’t say shit like that to a woman.
Guy: You’re not a woman, you’re my sister.

–Houston & Lafayette platform

Let’s Sit Far, Far Apart

Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we’re fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn’t know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant ‘brothas’ and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh… Okay. Hey, look, we’re at Shea.

–LIRR, Shea Stadium

She’s Probably Hearing the Siren Song of the Catholic Church

Fag hag: So, how’s your hot cousin?
Queer: He’s dating this girl now… She’s cute, tall… Looks like Katie Holmes — has the same look on her face.
Fag hag: What look is that?
Queer: You know — sad.

–Nederlander Theatre

Overheard by: Crazy Legs Freddy

Then We Go to a Museum and I Try to Lose Them

Granny: I’m babysitting for my daughter’s kids next Thursday.
Friend: What? You just sat for them last Thursday!
Granny: No, no, — I couldn’t make it that time.
Friend: But still…
Granny: Well, she has a lot of doctors’ appointments lately. Anyway, I just take them out for lunch and give them French fries.

–Starbucks, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen

Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad’s kind of hard…
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they’ve both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!

–155th & Broadway

He Hasn’t Cheated on You with Me All Week!

Girlfriend #1: What you got is real love. That nigga’s jumpin’ off balconies, gettin’ a tattoo…
Girlfriend #2: That don’t mean nothin’. Your father got 15 bitches’ names on him.
Girlfriend #1: Bitch, he loves you!

–A train

Overheard by: Nicole

As Explained in Horton Hears a Whore

Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid?
Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right?
Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy?
Hoochie #2: No, no, no… Not a step-mommy. I’m the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: christiaan montgomery

Wednesday One-Liners Got All My Sisters and Me

Creepster: Have you ever ripped out your sister’s piercings?

–72nd & Brodway

Overheard by: Ariella

Girl to friend: … And my aunt told my cousin — who is a huge slut — she told her, ‘Girl, you’re nothing but a box with a hole in it!’

–Starbucks, Worth & Lafayette St

Massive black dude on cell: You know my daughter? The yellow one? She be out all night getting fucked by some dude at a crack house. At least her sister’s decent enough to tell me when she do shit like that.

–Forbidden Planet Comics

Man: Well, I put my sister in the ER the same number of times she put me in, so I figure we’re even.

–Delancey Bar

Overheard by: Nerf

Hipster: If you don’t want to hurt your grandparents’ feelings, but you’re too afraid to tell them you’re a homosexual, just tell them you graduated from SUNY Purchase.

–Metro-North to White Plains

Overheard by: Straight alumni

I’m not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.

Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he’s dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I’m bored.
Mother: He’s always bored. I must’ve been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father’s knee and starts humping.] I’m bored, I’m bored[yawns], I’m bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn’t look boring like you.

–Queens-bound F train

Overheard by: That guy on the F Train

Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:
· “Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?” – Shawn
· “Most Priests Aren’t That Exciting” – Brock
· “They Don’t Call It the F Train for Nothing” – Sean McGurr
· “This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring” – Sim Etrias
· “Try the Middle Leg….it’s Less Boring” – nicky c.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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