Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images

Queer: There were so many fat people there… I was, like, breathing fat-air.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don’t want the reduced-fat ones!

–Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!

–4 train

Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I’m a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: KA

Fat loudmouth: Obesity — it’s in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat — it don’t want me to look nice like everyone else.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Beecals

Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say ‘french fries’ in practically every language because I’m a fat-ass.

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wanksday One-Liners

Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? ‘Cause I can’t sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.

–F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St

Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin’ off, I wanna know.

–Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that’s fun!

–29th & 7th

Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I’d be at home sticking everything inside me — cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!

–Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City

Overheard by: tracy

College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!

–N train

Overheard by: Bionic Womyn

Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners

Student: It’s true — Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.

–Harry S.Truman High

Overheard by: Anya

Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: Anya

Guy in heated debate: No, I told you — everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!

–Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Amy

Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!

–110th & Broadway

Professor: I don’t want to be chocolate.

–Bard High School Early College

Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma’am, I am 52 years old. What’s an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?

–34th St station

Wednesday One-liners for Pick-up Artists

French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the so pretty girls.

–Rivington & Orchard

Overheard by: Collin

Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.

–Thompson & Houston

Overheard by: Ryan

Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year

Concert-goer to friend: … And then she told me, ‘I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I’m dating a pirate!’ And I said, ‘He’s not a pirate, he’s a douchebag! You’re dating a douchebag!’

–Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway

Woman to friend: I don’t know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.

–A train, between 59th & 42nd

Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet!

–Sol y Sombra

Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn’t count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn’t fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.

–14th St & E 1st Ave

Overheard by: Adrienne

Wednesday One-Liners Actually Liked Police Academy IV

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off.

–Flushing Meadows Corona Park

Overheard by: rob

Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ’em before the cops do!

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: rah

Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.

–61st & Columbus

Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Diane

Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.

–Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chitin

Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Still Don’t Understand Crocs

Woman on cell: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask me what I’m wearing… Really short shorts and a long shirt.

–69th St & Columbus

Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.

–Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: … And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, ‘Why am I wearing a kimono?!’

–9th & 3rd

Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.

–Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch

Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com

Dude: I don’t know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?

–27th & 7th

Without Wednesday One-Liners, the Terrorists Win

Teacher to student: You don’t look like a golfer; you look like a terrorist.

–Brooklyn Tech

Flyer guy: No one goes to those run-of-the-mill Broadway shows on a Saturday night! The only people going to them is the Bin Laden family, and you don’t want to sit next to them. They’ll blow you to smithereens!

–Times Square

Overheard by: annahj

Young kid, about fireworks nearby: Look, Mommy! They’re planning a terrorist attack!

–13th & 2nd

Dude: Prisons are nice, man. I’d rather go to prison than be out here with the terrorists! it’s safer in prison.

–Court & Livingston, Brooklyn

Overheard by: cary

Wednesday One-liners Are Dead

Guy: Yeah, well, he’s a big fan of the cadaver tissue.

–Washington Heights

Lady on cell: My god he killed everyone last night. He first sat on her then started to beat on her. Then she got up and started beating on him.

–West Broadway & Chambers

Fat Hispanic woman: I don’t know, I just haven’t been using my gun lately.

–Fort Greene

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Bacon

Cop on megaphone: Hand over your license and your registration. Now everyone in the Heights knows what I am waiting for.

–138th St & Amsterdam Ave.

Overheard by: tony l.

Hobo: I’m just black. I’m not a criminal.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: Barry P.

Female cop, screaming out the window of her police car: Stop yelling on the street!

–Greenwich Ave & W 13th St

Overheard by: Pierce

White teen boy: You see, you can only mess with white people and Asian people because the worst thing they’ll do is call the cops. Anybody else–no one will ever hear from you again.

–1 train, southbound

Overheard by: Stephanie Shestakow

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors. You cannot block the doors. Keep your belongings with you at all times. If you see a suspicious package or activity, tell a police officer or MTA employee or me. My wife died and I want you to know that I’m single. I may not have any money, but I got plenty of honey. I want all the ladies to know that I’m single. Not the men, though. I’m not gay. I’m a lesbian. I like women.

–Downtown 5 train

Cop car, driving in bike lane, on loudspeaker: Move right. Move right! Your other right, idiot!

–8th Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Thug: I hate white people. They’re always talking to the cops.

–1st Ave & 89thSt

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