Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t in New York — That’s for Sure

20-ish woman on cell: I know it’s illegal in most states, but I thought it would be okay in Arizona…

–Central Park

Overheard by: aaron milner

Teacher: You guys might notice that I have some issues with Louisiana. I mean, it’s a great place and all, as long as you don’t get mugged or walk into a drug deal. I did that and then they followed me into a Rite Aid, and I was like, ‘Fuck, I’m gonna get stabbed on my last day here.’

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Hot girl on cell: She moved to Oklahoma? People don’t go to Oklahoma — people are from Oklahoma!

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: from Texas

Hipster: Her parents are the only democrats in Colorado.

–E 86th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Woman on cell: Girl. what state you said you in? North Carolina?! That’s a big-ass fuckin’ state! … Shit, North Carolina is a big fuckin’ state — they got mad people… North Carolina is fuckin’ big… You need to get the fuck out of there.

–J train

Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, but he’s from, like, gross Connecticut.

–49th & 6th

Overheard by: Scarfish

Conductor: We’re on the looong Alabama road. I’m glad you’re all aboard.

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Romance Is Dead, but Wednesday One-Liners Keep on Coming

Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming

Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.

–Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Michelle

Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship.

–Borders, 33rd & 7th

Overheard by: with a K

Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you’re doing to yourself right now.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alexandra

Woman, to man she’s just kissed: What was your name again?

–2nd St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello…Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes… Thanks, honey, you’re the best.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin’ dumped him.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: buffalo

There’s No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: Alright, everybody, be careful out on the platform, because it’s gonna be crowded. Despite your instincts, no pushing anyone onto the tracks. Red Sox fans are to remain seated until all Yankee fans have disembarked from the train. This is a sign of respect.

–4 train, 161st St & Yankee Stadium stop

Old Yankee fan: That Shawn Green was a great pick up by the Mets. He’s Jewish, and there are a lot of Jews in New York.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Met fan in hell

Bitter Yankee fan: What the fuck?! A-rod gets paid four million dollars a month? For what?! I can barely clear 24 grand, and I went to college for eight years.

–Loki Lounge, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Troy B.

Conductor: Because the Met game has just ended, this train is now a local train. To repeat, we left Times Square as an express, but we are now a local because the Met game has ended. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but the Met fans are more important than you.

–7 train

Thug on cell: I was walking down the street the other morning and I saw this dead guy. He looked like a bum and he was really dirty and people were walking by looking him, but he wasn’t moving. His fingers were all swollen and he smelled really bad and there were bugs crawling on his face. Then I looked and he was wearing a Yankees shirt, and I was like, ‘Yo, that shit is mad symbolic.’

–7 train to Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They’re Spectacular

Suit: … But then I’d just be one big, walking boob!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: uh what?

Hipster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs before we graduate, and that’s, like, only a month away!

–118th & Broadway

Overheard by: sapphirebluemica

Ghetto tourist man looking at Maidenform billboard: Breasts! Breasts on a billboard!

–35th & 7th

Overheard by: Moses

19-year-old girl: I am not leaving here without black ballet flats and breasts.

–Bathroom line, Macy’s

Little boy: Look, Mommy, Shrek has titties!

–AMC, Bay Plaza

Overheard by: Mel & Damee

Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn’t say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!

–Camp, Cobble Hill

Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle

Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We’re hot, we’d be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.

–Union Square

Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it’s hot, baby.

–Checkpoint at JFK

Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.

–A train, 168 St

Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?

–The Four Seasons

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick on cell: Yes, but you’re a hot creepy stranger.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists

Chick: I don’t know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious.

–Office, Madison & 38th

Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built.

–C train

Overheard by: A. Magnus

Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Gregorio

Chick: Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Canal Street isn’t in Chinatown; it’s in English, how could it be Chinatown?

–N train

Overheard by: Steph Lo

Drunk girl: I didn’t have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called “P.A.S.” that stood for “Phat As Shit.” We’d be like, “We…are P.A.S.”

–Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B

Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That “giggity giggity” shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch.

–N train

Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images

Queer: There were so many fat people there… I was, like, breathing fat-air.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don’t want the reduced-fat ones!

–Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!

–4 train

Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I’m a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: KA

Fat loudmouth: Obesity — it’s in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat — it don’t want me to look nice like everyone else.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Beecals

Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say ‘french fries’ in practically every language because I’m a fat-ass.

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wanksday One-Liners

Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? ‘Cause I can’t sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.

–F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St

Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin’ off, I wanna know.

–Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that’s fun!

–29th & 7th

Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I’d be at home sticking everything inside me — cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!

–Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City

Overheard by: tracy

College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!

–N train

Overheard by: Bionic Womyn

Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners

Student: It’s true — Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.

–Harry S.Truman High

Overheard by: Anya

Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: Anya

Guy in heated debate: No, I told you — everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!

–Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Amy

Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!

–110th & Broadway

Professor: I don’t want to be chocolate.

–Bard High School Early College

Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma’am, I am 52 years old. What’s an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?

–34th St station

Wednesday One-liners for Pick-up Artists

French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the so pretty girls.

–Rivington & Orchard

Overheard by: Collin

Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.

–Thompson & Houston

Overheard by: Ryan

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